Sunday, October 2, 2011

Thliding Thally Thlips Throol to Grad Thkool...


Welcome to grad school! What a big step - all the way from junior high to grad school in the twinkling of an eye! I nailed it, didn't I? I can't imagine you went to high school or college. It's a goddamn miracle. After all, you're in grad school, but you still don't know...

...that English sentences require inconvenient distractions like verbs. To your credit, most of your sentences do in fact have verbs. Subject-verb agreement is also well above the 50% mark. Nice!

...that academic papers require documentation, like, oh, I don't know, citations 'n'stuff. Most of your classmates knew about the citations part since they've been to high school. A few knew that even facts and ideas that aren't direct quotes require citations. I bet they even have BA degrees. Nifty, eh? Now watch while Peter the Puppet teaches all you children out there in classroom land how to spell bibblee-awgraffee.

...that the naming of banal facts in approximate historical order on a "topic" does not an argument or thesis make

...that it sounds really weird to refer to historical figures by their first names when referring to them as adults. "After he opened the first car factory, Henry began to implement his ideas." If you'd ever read a non-fiction book, you'd know this.

...that words have meanings and aren't just there to fill the page. Verbosity is not the same thing as brains. No, "The idea of innovation of the automobile could transport far more goods and services in the economic sector than was before" does not mean what you think it means. It might not mean anything at all. Read it. Then write it again.

...that six does not equal 20. I know this isn't a math class, but most people in graduate school have had a research methods or algebra class or some other exposure to the use of Arabic numerals to express quantities in base ten before they get here. So when the paper is supposed to be "20 pages," they manage to submit more than six, since 20 is in fact measurably higher than six. Those who don't know this right off the bat usually figure it out using the skills they have honed through years of rigorous undergraduate instruction and tedious drill. I can understand failing to count to five, only getting to four because two of your fingers are stuck together by slowly-drying finger paint. But are your toes in the finger paint too?

...and that you really shouldn't be using this software

None of this is innate. This has to be learned. But hey, if waving you through to me keeps enrollments up for Big Online University Inc., if getting you at least a B- meets my retention goals and pads my student evals, and if your MA will get you into a higher pay grade at Big Government Administration Bureaucracy Office Place, then I guess we all win.