Orifice Hour

Soulful Sam:

You of the big sad eyes and "Vampires for Christ" fiction blog; you who have been late to class more often than on time; you who tanked on the first exam and, incredibly, did even worse on the second one. Did you have any idea that other students were trying not to laugh in the study lab this week while you gave me excuse after excuse about your exam grade and latest absence?

• You gave me TMI about your knee injury, and how you couldn't concentrate on the test. [I said that the next time, you could get a note from a doctor and take a makeup version of the exam later.]
  

• You pulled out paperwork about the knee injury from your HMO. [I noted that it was dated one month before the test and advised taking Advil for pain.]

• You were strung out on Advil. [I noted that Advil doesn't impair concentration and that anyway, the doctor didn't excuse you from work or school.]

• Well, it was the Emergency Room. [So what? But this is past history. I handed back the tests in class today, but you weren't there, and I didn't bring yours to this study lab.]

• You missed class because there was a police emergency that closed all entrances to campus for a while. [Yes, but the emergency started after the class start time. Well, let's talk about your "F". Are you practicing with the vocabulary and study questions on the class web site?]
  

• Your ISP at home doesn't like my class web site. [Then have you used any of the campus computer labs, such as the one we are in right now?]

• It's frustrating because the access speed is sooooo slow. [So how do you intend to pass this class?]
  

• You noted that in class I said that hamsters don't really have "hair", they have "fur." But the textbook uses the phrase "hamster hair" in one caption under a photo, and you showed me that page. [Well, I think the caption has a mistake, but this isn't central to the issue of when hamsters evolved, and using "hair" vs. "fur" wasn't on the exam.]

You know, Sam [I pointed out], there are other things I need to do in the study lab now. So if we're done?

• Okay, bye! See you next week! Just wanted to let you know about my situation with the test, and point out that the lecture was misleading about the hamster hair. Well, bye! [Yep. So long. Faint grimace of a smile.]

Did you really have to wave on your way out the door? Did you really have to come back in to see if you'd left anything? Or were you giving me extra chances to say, "Oh, poor special snowflake, of course you can take the test over"?

Charming Charmaine:

You must have passed Sam in the corridor on your way to the study lab. Thank you for informing me that

• The reason you got a D on the test was that you didn't study.
• You chose to focus on another class instead of mine, and now realize that was the wrong choice.
• You just wanted me to know that you were going to work extra hard to pull your grade back up to the B it had been.

You didn't even mention your four-year-old son, whom you must have had before you were 16. Do you have any idea how refreshing your visit was? You saved my day. Go, Child, and flunk no more.