But too many of you have it all wrong on your complaints about job hiring.
We want to hire you. We want YOU, personally, the person whose dossier we're reading right now, to be the one. We want to find a completely legitimate and wonderful colleague right there in the process. We can't wait for the process to be over, and we'd love to give you the keys to your office and your little part of our kingdom more than anything.
But you have to help.
Here are some mistakes our TOP candidates have made this year so far:
- Braindead Brenda, in a Skype interview, called our college by the wrong name at least twice. (I think 3, but a colleague talked me out of it.)
- Ephemeral Elsie spoke sprawling and incomprehensible sentences to things like: "Tell us how you use technology in the classroom." She said "ethos" so many times I wanted to puke. Answer the question. We don't need you to justify technology as a device in the larger pedagogical concerns of ideas and markers. We actually want to know how you use it in your class, with students, actually!
- Twitchy Tony, also in a Skype interview, kept looking nervously around his own room. Look at the camera. We're in the machine, Tony. I thought he was on speed.
- Googling Gordon. In another Skype interview, he seemed to fail to understand that we could actually see him frantically typing on his computer during the interview. My realization that he was looking up answers came when this exchange occurred: "Gordon, tell us what particular courses of ours in the department you're suited to teach?" Tap tap tap. "Well," Gordon started, tap tap tap, "You see, I've taught so much, and uh, I'm sure that the classes there are similar to other classes where I've taught, as I was saying, like where I am now," tap tap tap, "But getting more directly to your point," tap tap tap, "Uh, is there, like, a survey course? Right, like a general course? I could definitely," tap tap tap, "Like 350!!!!! I could teach 350." (It took all my strength to say, "We've discontinued that course.)
- Hot Harry told us at least 3 times that he had a full slate of interviews at a national conference. He told us that it had been hard to schedule us because the response to his applications has been so "frustratingly" intense. He even held up 3-4 different colored folders to show us what was on his agenda in his search at other schools.
- Settling Sarah went to an Ivy. She taught as a VAP for one year at another Ivy. We aren't an Ivy. She said, "I really don't know how I will feel leaving the Ivies. I feel as though I was bred for that world, and the terrible economy is forcing so many of us to reconsider our paths."
I hope we don't hire any of them. We have 4 more Skype-rs tomorrow, and then on to the national convention where surely some of these clowns will have to pull up chairs opposite us in our suite.
I pray someone will do the whole thing right before it's all over.