This semester was 67% good. Two of my Introduction to Hamster Fur classes went splendidly - test-drove a great new textbook that I'm planning on keeping, I was well-prepared for classes, bright students, the whole nine yards. But my third class, Research-Based Hamster Fur-Weaving, was not so hot. Yeah, there are things I could complain about (legitimately, I think). It was a dual-credit class that the high school tried to stuff with too many students who weren't ready - that tops the list, and is still grinding my gears. Many of the students didn't bother to do a lot work either, assuming the workload was the same as high school and that magical proliferation of meaningless daily grades would save their asses.
But at the end of the day, it was my fault. I wasn't prepared some days - enough to make a difference. Some of the assignments were badly thought out. Their grades were, without fail, very late in getting out. The class material was not well organized. Yeah, I have excuses. As an adjunct, I worked multiple jobs, up to 70 hours a week many times, to pay rent. Because I was closing at my entry-level food service job the nights before this particular class, I got maybe five hours of sleep.
As a result, I dropped low daily grades, let them make up work, gave in to snowflake demands. How could I not?
I failed to teach them well, or even adequately. Not just in terms of subject matter, although that's important, but also in terms of setting them up for what to expect in college.
My only hope is that when I have them again next semester, I can try to repair some of the damage (and do I have a plan!). But I might not be able to win back their trust.
Q: When was the last time you fucked up? Ballsed it up completely? Let students down? Failed? It doesn't have to be about teaching, just let me know about that one time you really screwed up.
Hey MR, here's where it begins and ends for me:
ReplyDelete"As an adjunct, I worked multiple jobs, up to 70 hours a week many times, to pay rent."
You're already a hero. Cut yourself some damn slack, because obviously the people who have you on payroll sure as fuck don't.
I got saddled with one of those courses in a past life where they threw me a bunch of high school students in a university course. There I was, PhD in hand, hoping I'd one day get to teach in my research area if I sucked enough dick along the way. I quit that gig one semester later. Your post suggests to me that you're a much bigger person than I am. AND you're still reflecting on what you can do better next time.
You didn't fuck up anything. Right now, you're busy contemplating what'll work better next time. Good for you and good for them. You didn't fail, MR. You tried something, and it might not have worked for as many students as you'd have liked. Tweak it a tad, but keep doing what you're doing and take care of yourself.
Today. I administered a term exam to my Introduction to Hamsterese. As usual, I thought it was a decent exam that should do a good job of testing the students' knowledge of the material. Well, for the n-th time now it looks like most of the class will be borderline failing. That's clearly my mistake: I did a poor job of assessing their level and the difficulty of the exam. So I'll probably have to add some ridiculous number of marks across the board. I've been teaching full time for many years now and I still manage to mess this up.
ReplyDeleteOh, how about laughing hysterically at something my mother said while she was on morphine, and hurting her feelings, and then later on realizing that it was the last thing she'd ever say to me?
ReplyDeleteTeaching failures? I've had a few. It's OK. IT's particularly OK when you adjunct 70 hours a week and have an entry-level food service job. They're lucky you show up at all.
@Realist: first, I want to second Dr. Cranky. This was not a fail, this was a valiant attempt to deal with multiple difficult circumstances. Once you implement your plan, it will also make a great story to tell in job interviews.
ReplyDelete@F&T: sometimes we laugh to keep from crying. On some level, I think most human beings, even when on morphine, understand that. And we all tend to remember the moments we didn't get something quite right, no matter how hard we were trying overall, when they fall close to a death. I spent what turned out to be my last few hours with one of my grandmothers pulling together the paperwork for her taxes, so she wouldn't be calling me nervously about the task when I was studying for generals. And then I didn't go see her after she took a fall, since she seemed okay, and I was afraid that an unplanned visit (which I could easily have managed) might subconsciously link the two events for her, and so precipitate additional falls. The fall turned out to be more serious than anybody thought, and she died a few days later. But I'm glad I bought and set up a Christmas tree for her that year, even though she told me not to bother (and even though the smell and the blinking lights were all she could really perceive due to diminished sight). And I'm glad I spent the afternoon of her funeral cuddling with my other grandmother, who was pretty far gone with dementia, but still appreciated physical touch (of which there was not a particularly strong family tradition), and who died a few months after that. As with many things, I go back and forth: knowing what I know now, I could and would have done more, and better, for both of them; on the other hand, I think I did pretty well for someone in her early-mid 20s (and better than some people would have at any age).
My own most recent and spectacular teaching failure was trying out a theme that involved a bunch of "is a college education worth the money?" readings on a class with a large contingent of very nervous, very grade-obsessed pre-meds of various sorts (human doctor, vet, dentist, etc.), and then having them do a group research project on a problem in their field. The pre-meds chose the difficulties of getting into/funding med school, and worked themselves into an even greater state of panic and grade-obsession. I think they learned a useful skill or two, but they gave me my worst evals. ever. Fortunately there was another section with the same syllabus that rated the class so-so (an assessment with which I agreed).
On a more regular basis, I find that, with a 4/4 writing-intensive load, I can either try new things or keep up with the grading, but not both. I'm not sure that's a failure, however; it's mostly just a description of reality (at least my reality).
Almost all the regrets I've ever had in teaching have been when I was too lenient with students. I hate it when students get away with cheating because I can’t prove it because they're too slippery. I have long struggled to reduce that, but cheat-proofing exams for large classes sure can be time consuming.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I think I've been pretty good about not letting my students down. One reason is that so many of them are so far down already, I can't stoop that low without throwing up. I just couldn’t live with myself to be that dishonest and irresponsible.
Another reason is that my undergraduate education was marred by deadwood, who were abusing their tenure by coasting to retirement. Some clearly put little or no effort into their teaching, and frequently came to class unprepared. Disturbingly many didn't know their subject well, because they hadn't done any research in many years and so were out of date.
I resolved never to be like that. Life loves its ironies, of course. Now that I'm a professor, I have no shortage of students who squander the opportunities I knock myself out to make available for them.
@everyone above: Sometimes CM feels so human and humane, I get warm fuzzy feelings not related to the Bailey's Irish Cream.
ReplyDelete@Frod: "One reason is that so many of them are so far down already, I can't stoop that low without throwing up." Yes.
Regrets in life: Sending my mother a spectacularly inappropriate Christmas gift of books. I was very frazzled that year: toddler, thesis, bad marriage, first year of T.A. grading. And our family tradition dictated gifts for each member of our large family, sent on time across the country, despite a grad student/new parent budget. So when I found a set of new paperbacks at an estate sale, all about "women discovering the joy and power of shared womanhood," I thought "Mom!" and wrapped and sent them. She was very hesitant in thanking me. Turns out they were lesbian porn. What was I thinking? What did she think I was thinking?
Total Fail as a colleague: the time I "helped" someone with grading software and erased his entire semester's records.
Failure as an instructor: not yanking Asshole Alfred from the classroom early in the semester and reading him the riot act about showing respect to classmates and me. The prick ended up with an A due to a misguided incentive I used to add to the syllabus: do better on Exam 2 than Exam 1 and I'll count the difference as extra credit. Most students do a little better and cite the incentive as the reason they didn't drop after the first test. Never again. I've got to come up with a different incentive that still makes Exam 1 count plenty towards the final grade.