Monday, January 30, 2012

Sorry, Flakes.

Dear Monkey Instructor,

Please let me submit my work late. I had the worst week in the world. I was diagnoses with an STI and found out I am at risk for cervical cancer the day after my health insurance was revoked. I had tried to get these tests done before the health insurance was up, but I had been on vacation before that. I'm sure you can imagine why I wasn't able to concentrate on the homework and your deadlines.

Sonny Flakerton
And yet you manage to get by! How brave you are.

Professor Monkey,

I apologize for the recent essay submission that you found to be plagiarized. I was away from my computer when the essay was due so I gave my roommate my password so she could upload it for me. Then she ended up selecting the wrong file. It wasn't me and I'd appreciate if you could delete that file and allow me a second submission.

Seratina Snowflake
Seratina, this does not excuse the use of plagiarism or the sharing of your private info with your roommate.

Hey Mrs Academic,

Sorry I haven't been participating much in class this week. My grandma died last week and I'm really shaken up by it so I wasn't able to get out and come to class. I'll get better next week.

Stevie Snotnose
Christ, I don't care.

Dear Sir,

I tried really hard to get to class for my term presentation, but I just wasn't able to. I was raised in a poor household and I have to work my way through school. I wasn't given all the advantages of most students so my work takes priority at times so I can afford to eat. Anyway, my work called me in and I had to go and that is why I missed my presentation. I look forward to hearing my newly scheduled makeup presentation.

Lord Featherweight
Oh FFS you think this is going to make me fall over with concern??? And my name isn't Sir. I have very large boobs. Hard to miss.

[no salutation]
I saw you at the grocery store last week! Did you see me? I thought you might remember me. Anyway, my friend got me into a car accident before class on Monday. That's why I didn't show. I tried to get out and hop over to the classroom anyway, but since my friend's leg was broken I didn't think I should leave him. Can I makeup the quiz you gave that day?
[no signature]
Oh, the ol' car accident story. So many of these!! Your friends really should be more careful when driving on campus. And stop stalking me when I'm buying my whiskey and fruit snacks.

I think you have made a mistake in the syllabus. You assigned a piece of homework every week. I'm a senior and this is a very prestigious institution. I think you underestimate how much work we have on a weekly basis. Please revise the schedule so we can make the most out of our college years. Otherwise I'll have to miss out on some of the unique aspects of our university and I know you wouldn't want that.
Sorority Snowflake
Chair of Snowing
Flakiness Fellow
And somehow, I think you'll manage.


  1. I once got an extension on a homework assignment from a prof that never gave extensions.

    How, you may ask?

    Two of my best friends were nearly killed in a car accident 12 hours from campus. A third owned the car they totaled. Sure, parents could have handled it, but most of us did not come from families where our parents would have considered helping in that instance.

    I was the only one left in our little circle of friends that A) owned a car and B) could drive 24/36 hours without killing anyone.

    I meant to leave my homework with someone else before we left but I was stupid and forgot.

    When I e-mailed the prof I offered to postmark the homework from where I was and also mentioned which other friends could have driven.

    He told me he was happy that I'd spared the other drivers from them (seriously, this one chick literally was known around campus for how many cars she had hit in the parking lots around campus, not to mention one building and a tree) and let me turn it in when I got back.

    I wish I still had the response because his statement about her driving skills was "epic" as kids would say these days. ;)

  2. "You made a mistake on the syllabus." OMG.

    I'm so sorry, Sorority Snowflake. Thank you for reminding me that the purpose of college is to party and host social events! I will remember in future that I need to focus not on teaching my topic, but in making sure the class does not interfere with your more-important, oh-so-pressing social needs.

  3. I want to show these to my students so they'll laugh at them and talk about how stupid they are...and then send me one just like it a week later. The plagiarism one makes me angry. So angry.


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