Monday, January 9, 2012

The Thirsty.

Actual graphic as it appears on the CM
Moderator handbook.
There is a moderator handbook. I'm not kidding. It exists. There are probably six people on the planet who have it. Mine came to me from Fab Sun, but the notes indicate that it likely originated with the great Compound Cal, the last RYS moderator.

It's a profane and masterful guide to running the page without eating a revolver.

One day, one day long in the future, some moderator will copy the whole thing and post it. Nobody will believe this...it is NOT in any digital form, at least that I know of. I got the thing in the MAIL, printed on paper, with handwritten corrections, and at least two of the filthiest drawings I've ever seen - one with the initials "LK" noted as the artist. (I've probably already broken a moderator rule by saying that.)

Anyway, here's a little section - tiny, really - that I love. It is word for word below as the hand corrected version from page 6-7 of the guide. If I'm no longer here in the morning, you'll know that my body can be found behind the Chipotle on High Street in Oxford.

[+]  

[Oh, and there's a brief note in the handbook 
about plus sign icon above, too... -RGM Note.]

The Thirstys - And Why You (YES, YOU) Should Give a Shit about Them, and Not Let Heathens or the Scourge or Animals or any Los Angeles Laker Girls Convince You OtherWISE
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=     @)---,---'---

The Big Thirsty. Only Thursday. Do you get this? It all started with the BiG ThursDAY question on the O(LD) page, the GOON ole days. Forty different assholes will tell you that THEY first called it a Big THIRSTY, because of the similarities in the words, and the fact that a big question showed you were thirsty, but at least 39 of those assholes would be WRONG>>>   I (CAL, Suave, Smoky} Did NOT invent Big Thirsty. But I should have. I made everything else that is holy and sacred. Except for the hookah ethos. That was Compound Chronos - rest in Pittsburgh. [Crossed out and then handwritten in again. -RGM Note.]

The Early Thirsty. A Tuesday or Wednesday question. That's it. See, it was easy back in the GOON ole days...I just put the right thirsty name on any question that came in. But you GOONDS at CM are fucking yourself in the ass (pardon!) by letting them do their own posts. OH HEAVENS. They call shit the wrong thirsty all the time. Fab was aces at fixing shit. Leslie, too. Gordo, not so much. Who knows if this document, this message, these sacred feathers will make it to the next person. Pretty soon the Thirsty thing is RIGHT out the window, and with it, everything that is wondrous and clean and fine about my love of Phoebe Cates, Table Tennis, and Cuervo.

Friday Thirsty. Yeah, I was talked into this. Can't we save questions for special days? Some people can't, so great is their THIRST> Some people always want to say LATE Thirsty. Well that's fucking stupid. I will not STAND for that. I will get GOON and likkered up if I see a LATE THIRSTY on this page or ANY OTHER. I will make it my life's work to press Gordon's head up his own ass if he lets this in.

Weekend Thirsty. Yeah, I will allow this as well, as long as it's a good question. But, shit, nobody reads on the weekends anyway. If you get more than 9000 views on a weekend day I'll suck your dick and make you a pulled pork sandwich. Promise. So, if you have to bury a shitty question, Weekends are okay.

I am AGAINST Monday Thirstys. I saw Leslie let a fucking SUNDAY Thirsty go. How in the world, darling, are we supposed to differentiate that from a Weekend Thirsty? Maybe, just MAYBE, if the question has some SPIRITUAL ANGLE. [Next part handwritten. - RMG Note.] I will push a pulled pork sandwich up my own lovely husband's ass if Cal can PROVE I did any such thing. Fukkkkker. [Initialed.] LK.

So, do you feel me? This section isn't complete. Just don't let the Thirsty thing get away. Somebody - it was NOT me - did an "undergrad thirsty" graphic. It's still on Picasa. It wasn't blurry enough, sure, that's a problem. But mostly we don't have UNDERGRAD THIRSTYS or PING PONG THIRSTYS or anything else.

Let's put a big whomping kibosh on this shit now and the readers, the angels, the dear angels, will learn from our shining (MORNING IN AMERIKA) example...

Big, Early, Friday, and Weekend. No thirstys allowed on Monday (for on that day I RESTED>>BITCHES) or Saturday. Can't we keep anything nice without you and your brothers ruining it!!!!

Am I forgetting anything?

[Handwritten, with initials GP after.] You forget to go blow yourself.

26 comments:

  1. radio galvanize motor - elba alive toronto -saskatoon halifax ithaca tulsa.

    ps: no way i wrote pulled pork.

    ReplyDelete
  2. garden elba toronto - alberta - shoe hen oven van elephant ludes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. red green mauve - yellow orange umber - indigo nude - teal red orange umber blue lily ecru.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Whisky Tango Foxtrot?

    Nice to see Leslie K. here again.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Missed ya, Leslie K. Although, I presume you are one of the few allowed a second moniker.

    ReplyDelete
  6. alpha whiskey echo sierra oscar mike echo.

    charlie hotel echo echo romeo sierra,

    delta romeo uniform november kilo

    ReplyDelete
  7. goose obit dogma, idea
    lunchlady oven velociraptor eagle
    thistle histle istle sistle
    pancho leotards achy-breaky cosmo egad.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You are really on fire
    Ohio reigns: Easily validating earned rhapsody!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I never really understood all the "compound" shit and the whole back story to this blog. Just doesn't make me grin the way the snark and smack do. But y'all go ahead and have fun with it. I'll just in the corner with my yo-yo and wait it out.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Rumor has it you've been hunting snipes with that yo-yo, but that you haven't shared any of the snipe jerky with the rest of us.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Am I the only one feeling like this is a challenge to bombard the site with Monday Thirstys from now on? Game ON.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, it's got me going too!

      From now on, it's the late thirsty for Friday.

      EMH thirsty - EMH has a question and he doesn't care what tea-partying day it is.

      Dirty thirsty - gossip, or questions/concerns about fellow colleagues who practice alternative teaching "methods" (ahem, fucking students in exchange for better grades.)

      Delete
  12. There are much filthier sections that RGM could have shared. LOL.

    And, no, I've not used a second moniker. I'm an avid reader and big fan though.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm with the slave. These "moderators" are padding their pockets with your money and jerking each other off. Nobody reads this page anyway. If you're not in the clubhouse you're shunned and sometimes even actually blocked, hence the IP Address Blocker which certainly doesn't stop me when I choose to come here and enlighten you.

    That they call themselves academics make me sick.

    ReplyDelete
  14. So weekend thirstys can be posted only on Sunday? Or can they be posted on Saturday, too, as long as they're not called Saturday thirsties? Or do I need to wait until Tuesday to ask questions at all? I'm confused. Maybe I'll go back on vacation.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thursday: Big Thirsty (but if you someone has posted one, usually it's pleasant to wait till another day.)

    Early: Tuesday or Wednesday.

    Weekend: Saturday or Sunday. (Clarified.)

    Of course, like that's going to solve it...haha.

    PS: Still alive.

    RGM

    Friday: Friday.

    ReplyDelete
  16. @RGM: Thanks, and glad to hear you're still with us. I wasn't entirely sure whether I was supposed to search Ohio, Mississippi, or the UK for your remains (though I'm hoping there are no Chipotles in Oxford, UK).

    ReplyDelete
  17. Brain lock, Cassandra...

    Oxford, Ohio, home of the Miami 4, the Miami RedHawks...

    ReplyDelete
  18. @ AcadMonk. I had that thought. I'm contemplating posting a Big, Juicy, Early, Weekend, Hungry and doing it on a Monday, just to see who blows a gasket.

    ReplyDelete
  19. R&/orG, that's a "Christopher Hitchens" level of sacrilege. Awesome. You will burn in hell.

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  20. Honest_prof is back, as Truth-teller (I'm skipping the goofy 13-year-old-girl mixed-capitalization mess).

    Whoopie!

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  21. @Darla: I think it was "High Street" that threw me; that sounds veddy, veddy British to me (but maybe only with "the" in front of it -- or maybe Oxford, OH is into being veddy, veddy British).

    ReplyDelete

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