The Thirsty.

Actual graphic as it appears on the CM
Moderator handbook.

There is a moderator handbook. I'm not kidding. It exists. There are probably six people on the planet who have it. Mine came to me from Fab Sun, but the notes indicate that it likely originated with the great Compound Cal, the last RYS moderator.

It's a profane and masterful guide to running the page without eating a revolver.

One day, one day long in the future, some moderator will copy the whole thing and post it. Nobody will believe this...it is NOT in any digital form, at least that I know of. I got the thing in the MAIL, printed on paper, with handwritten corrections, and at least two of the filthiest drawings I've ever seen - one with the initials "LK" noted as the artist. (I've probably already broken a moderator rule by saying that.)

Anyway, here's a little section - tiny, really - that I love. It is word for word below as the hand corrected version from page 6-7 of the guide. If I'm no longer here in the morning, you'll know that my body can be found behind the Chipotle on High Street in Oxford.

[+]  

[Oh, and there's a brief note in the handbook 

about plus sign icon above, too... -RGM Note.]

The Thirstys - And Why You (YES, YOU) Should Give a Shit about Them, and Not Let Heathens or the Scourge or Animals or any Los Angeles Laker Girls Convince You OtherWISE
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=     @)---,---'---

The Big Thirsty. Only Thursday. Do you get this? It all started with the BiG ThursDAY question on the O(LD) page, the GOON ole days. Forty different assholes will tell you that THEY first called it a Big THIRSTY, because of the similarities in the words, and the fact that a big question showed you were thirsty, but at least 39 of those assholes would be WRONG>>>   I (CAL, Suave, Smoky} Did NOT invent Big Thirsty. But I should have. I made everything else that is holy and sacred. Except for the hookah ethos. That was Compound Chronos - rest in Pittsburgh. [Crossed out and then handwritten in again. -RGM Note.]

The Early Thirsty. A Tuesday or Wednesday question. That's it. See, it was easy back in the GOON ole days...I just put the right thirsty name on any question that came in. But you GOONDS at CM are fucking yourself in the ass (pardon!) by letting them do their own posts. OH HEAVENS. They call shit the wrong thirsty all the time. Fab was aces at fixing shit. Leslie, too. Gordo, not so much. Who knows if this document, this message, these sacred feathers will make it to the next person. Pretty soon the Thirsty thing is RIGHT out the window, and with it, everything that is wondrous and clean and fine about my love of Phoebe Cates, Table Tennis, and Cuervo.

Friday Thirsty. Yeah, I was talked into this. Can't we save questions for special days? Some people can't, so great is their THIRST> Some people always want to say LATE Thirsty. Well that's fucking stupid. I will not STAND for that. I will get GOON and likkered up if I see a LATE THIRSTY on this page or ANY OTHER. I will make it my life's work to press Gordon's head up his own ass if he lets this in.

Weekend Thirsty. Yeah, I will allow this as well, as long as it's a good question. But, shit, nobody reads on the weekends anyway. If you get more than 9000 views on a weekend day I'll suck your dick and make you a pulled pork sandwich. Promise. So, if you have to bury a shitty question, Weekends are okay.

I am AGAINST Monday Thirstys. I saw Leslie let a fucking SUNDAY Thirsty go. How in the world, darling, are we supposed to differentiate that from a Weekend Thirsty? Maybe, just MAYBE, if the question has some SPIRITUAL ANGLE. [Next part handwritten. - RMG Note.] I will push a pulled pork sandwich up my own lovely husband's ass if Cal can PROVE I did any such thing. Fukkkkker. [Initialed.] LK.

So, do you feel me? This section isn't complete. Just don't let the Thirsty thing get away. Somebody - it was NOT me - did an "undergrad thirsty" graphic. It's still on Picasa. It wasn't blurry enough, sure, that's a problem. But mostly we don't have UNDERGRAD THIRSTYS or PING PONG THIRSTYS or anything else.

Let's put a big whomping kibosh on this shit now and the readers, the angels, the dear angels, will learn from our shining (MORNING IN AMERIKA) example...

Big, Early, Friday, and Weekend. No thirstys allowed on Monday (for on that day I RESTED>>BITCHES) or Saturday. Can't we keep anything nice without you and your brothers ruining it!!!!

Am I forgetting anything?

[Handwritten, with initials GP after.] You forget to go blow yourself.