A new record for how long I made it before having to bang my head against my desk until my pencil cup rolled away.
Brown Noser On Steroids,
Blackboard is a needlessly redundant pile of chaos. But you found the "Lab Report" template, surely you can find the list of boiling points. It's the only other file in the fucking folder. I didn't title the file "the boiling points that BNoS is seeking." I labeled it "Data for Experiment 3". Turn over all the god damned stones before you e-mail me to ask such an asinine question. Not to mention, everyone knows you only ask questions to show off what you and I already know you know. It's not much of a leap that you just want me to know that you're doing the assigned reading a week in advance. Want a cookie? Find the fucking boiling points.
Brown Noser on Valium,
I told you last semester: The average of 11 As is the same as the average of 10 As. I'm not dropping 3 grades. Especially not on your request. I'm not even supposed to drop 2. I just like having an extra drop on there to cut down on the whining. You're teaching me that it doesn't work. Want to know what the average of 12 As is? Next semester I'll be sure to let everyone know you were the inspiration for going back to 1 drop.
***and before you ask - yes - I really do drop an extra lab - and no - I don't give a shit if it makes the hard asses look worse - besides - they always wind up with deans' notes and have to drop more grades anyway - they get more deans' notes than I do - so get off my furry back***
Slacker on Valium
Remember when I put the "practice" assessment on Blackboard and you smiled and nodded that you had no problem with Blackboard? I knew you fucking lied because I can see who accesses the shit. That's how it works fucker. You know why I gave that "practice" assessment? So when you and your ring tried to sing me a sad song about how 6 days after the quiz was opened, and just 6 hours before the due date, you realized you "couldn't" access Blackboard, I'd have proof that you are all fucking liars!!! I don't care if you can't access Blackboard and you lied when you said you could, or if you can and you're lying now when you say you can't. You're a fucking liar and you now have 3 fucking hours to make a miracle happen. Get crackin'!!
Campus Security:
I really don't mind that you use student schedules in order to find people you need to arrest. I sincerely prefer it to you letting them run wild. But surely there are thugs taking courses other than chemistry. Why do you always have to arrest them during my class?
Public Enemy #1:
I shouldn't have let you hear me say "I haven't learned all of their names yet." That was stupid. I should have just called you over my shoulder without making eye contact so you'd assume I knew and leave. But after you got away with playing opossum, you should have thought better about turning in your classwork. What a day to remember to actually put your name on the top, eh?
***and before you ask - no - I don't take attendance - and I don't give a shit***
Dung Beetle from three terms back:
Yes, I remember you. Why do you think that works in your favor? You've stolen work from so many of your "friends" that you've lost your folk-hero status. They all want to see you go down and they're feeding me information on you that would make the Star Report look like a New Yorker cartoon. I'm out of paper and I have carpel tunnel syndrome, but I'm older and wiser and this semester, God help me, should be your last.
PS You weren't here, so you don't know it, but everyone from last semester loves that Croatian kid who can't speak English. He's like the class pet. You try to take advantage of his language deficiencies again, and I think instead of disapproving looks, you're going to get your ass kicked by Public Enemy #3.
Oh, my. I am reminded once again of what a sheltered, and comparatively privileged, life I lead. The Brown-nosers and Slackers sound vaguely familiar, but we're blessedly lacking in Public Enemies, unless you count the occasional DUI perpetrator (no minor matter, granted) and the more-frequent driver reckless enough to need to go to court about the matter. Still, I'd say that immigration/citizenship interviews are at least as frequent among my students as other sorts of court dates. I'm glad to hear that at least one of the Public Enemies has a softer side. (Maybe the Croatian kid reminds them of Artur in the comic strip Big Nate? That's the picture that immediately came to mind for me. But do students these days -- public enemies or not -- read the comics?)
ReplyDeleteMay your desk remain unbanged and your pencil cup upright, and may all the remaining public enemies in need of arrest have an earlier-morning class of which public safety is cognizant.
And may Dung Beetle land in whatever circle of academic hell is most unpleasant for his kind.
Good to hear from you WotC. The campus security issue has a silver lining. After the cops walk in and drag out the next suspect, look at the class and say with a serious voice, "failed too many quizzes," then proceed to lecture as normal.
ReplyDeleteBefore I read your comment, my thought was, "And that's why you don't EVER fucking complain about how many labs I drop."
DeleteI laughed out loud--thanks, BB and PfromP!
DeleteI'd go with "plagiarism"....
DeleteOh, Wombat--I'll echo CC's post above. I sincerely hope that your semester improves.
ReplyDeleteSomeone's giving Stella a run for her money in the smack department. Nice!
ReplyDelete