Tune in next week to see who’s still here after the drop deadline…

But, in the mean time (and I do mean MEAN):

Trickster Taj: Remember all the wisecracks you had when I told you the very first week that if you don’t do the readings and don’t hand your assignments in on time, you fail? It turns out the joke is on you, because, by my calculations, you’d need 118% on every remaining assignment just to scrape a D. Seeing as I also made it clear on the very first week that I never give extra credit, well, good luck with that.

Run-on Ricky: Your essays gave me nightmares about what would happen if the bastard love child of Wuthering Heights and A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man was birthed by an illiterate Frankenstein…but you weren’t a bad kid, and you were trying. I’m sorry the system failed you by admitting you and taking your parents’ hard-earned tuition money when you just didn’t have the skills you needed to succeed at the post-secondary level. If you work hard enough, you can acquire them, and I really hope you do.

Leggy Laila: I know you’re going to Mexico for Spring Break…and that you’re gambling that your name won’t be called to give your research presentation on the first day back. You don’t know how much pleasure I’m going to take in the moment when you realize that there is *more* than enough time for the whole class to present on that day, and you are well and truly screwed. I hope the bikini pictures are worth it. (No. Not really.)

Rhymes-with-a-designer-label Mabel: Keeping up with the Kardashians isn’t “real”…and if all you want to do is make a sex tape and be indolently rich, I cannot fucking help you (and please get your bedazzled ass out of my classroom. You're taking up valuable oxygen.).

Smooth Sergey: Even Leggy Laila has figured out that, not only are you more than kind of an asshole, you’re also really fucking stupid. Seriously, dude…if you actually listened when other people spoke instead of trying to think of the next “charming” thing you could say, you might make it through the simplest set of instructions on the first try. (PS: No one on Jersey Shore is worth emulating in any way, even if PaulyD did steal his hairstyle from Gramsci. God help us all if you and Mabel ever hook up…because with your vanity and her delusions, that shit would be all over the internet within the hour.)

Cat-Eye Callie: Despite her fabulous talent, Amy Winehouse is not a motherfucking role model. Lose the makeup, lose the beehive, lose the gin, lose the pot, lose the attitude, and find yourself. (And if you keep chewing your split ends in the classroom, I’m going to come armed with rubber bands…which I will proceed to shoot at you until you take your damn hair out of your mouth, sober up, and pay attention.)

Douchebag Dylan: If your claim to Englishness is as tenuous as Madonna’s, you don’t get to go around calling people cunts. And if you ever again in my presence say something like “you’re only being sexually objectified to the extent you perceive it as such” while defending your right to look every woman straight in the chest, then Imma let Cat-Eye Callie cut you.