Thursday, March 1, 2012

I'm Sorry If You're Offended . . .

From: Professor Pat from Peoria (
To: Talkative Thomas (
Sent: Sometime today
Subject: RE: I’m offended

Talkative Thomas,

Please don’t take my lack of conversation yesterday the wrong way, because I think you’re a good kid. I know that when you strike up a happenstance conversation, you’re doing so because you’re a genuinely nice person, not because you’re trying to suck up. My short and terse-sounding responses are not because I dislike you. It’s mostly because I talk for a living. When I’m not in the classroom lecturing or in office hours or in a meeting where my participation is required, in other words when I’m not working, I generally don’t do much talking.

Well, not just that, but also the fact that you tried to strike up a conversation in the bathroom. When I’m at a urinal. And you’re in a stall. Taking a dump. Loudly. From the sounds of it, you weren’t dropping a deuce, you were dropping a water buffalo. And, my gawd, the smell! Liquid Man from CSI has nothing on you. I mean, really. Did you eat a 2 lb burrito that you left sitting out in the sun for a couple of days?

Anyway, I’ve strayed from my point. I apologize for any offense you took from my lack of conversation because it was by no means my intent.

I’ll see you in class tomorrow morning.


Associate Professor Pat from Peoria
Department of Overflow Engineering
Community College of the State of Denial
(976) 555 – 0000


  1. There were so many worse choices for a graphic. Well done, Pat.

    Plus, we had Hiram's bathroom story last month. Now this one. Good grief. I go at home. I'm sorry. Everyone should!

    1. But we don't know the way to your house. Would I have to bring my own toilet paper? I should get your pipes checked before inviting us over.

  2. All right, I admit it. Poo jokes crack me up.

  3. What is it with the bathroom theme? And WHY, for the love of french toast, do students try to talk to us in the bathrooms? WHY?

    1. They think we're on call 24-7, and that really does mean 24-7.

  4. Well, I've got a colleague who likes to chat through the stall wall. [I'm sitting in one stall, he's sitting in the other.] Me, I prefer to concentrate on the task at hand.

  5. What is it about Asian ungulates that makes youngsters so touchy? This is yet another example of how thin-skinned Generation iY can be. You didn't even say a word, much less tell him, "Smeg off!" the way I would have, when addressed by someone sitting on a toilet. (Lyndon Johnson is said to have done this to Katherine Graham. This was about the same time that divisions opened up in American society that still haven't healed.)

    It is also yet another example of how Generation iY is so video-addled, they are utterly devoid of intelligence, shame, empathy, and above all, common sense. Didn't this kids' parents ever tell him, "Never disturb a dog while it's eating?" (Because it might bite you, in case any kids are reading.) It wouldn't surprise me if the answer were no.

    Didn't anyone ever tell this kid NEVER to talk to a man while he's using a urinal? It should be easy to imagine several reasons to avoid doing this. For starters: if the man turns to answer you, ewww...


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