Snowflakes, please check your email

To Prince Easton,
I'm sorry you feel that I should have collected your homework when you gave it to me. I'm sure you put a lot of thought and effort into the preparation assignment. The thing is, see, you come in every week and scribble through the assignment as we work our way through discussion. You hear what your classmates suggest and how I respond; you put that into writing and turn it in at the end of class. So I decided to collect the homework *before* the discussion. It was tougher, sure, because no one had their papers to look at. But I suspect you will never come to class unprepared again. So no, I won't reconsider, and yes it was worth it.

Darling Jeff the Jetter,
I don't get your process. Your first response paper was obviously plagiarized. I let it slide so you could redo it. Then you *almost* did it right. It was only one paragraph, not 5, and it failed to answer all three questions, but it was getting there. I asked for an elaboration. You submitted a newly plagiarized, completely different paper, along with a paper for Week Two that had nothing to do with the question, our course, or even our subject matter. How the hell are you doing this? Do you read the questions? Do you just throw a stick in the library and steal a paper off whatever kid that stick hits and submit their work to me? It's not quite plagiarized, it's just.. wrong. And then you plagiarized again. Ugh. Now I've got to go through the paperwork of giving you an F for the course and reporting you to the Dean for possible suspension. I don't have time for your emails complaining about how I am persecuting you. OH MY GOD GO AWAY.

To Disappearing Julie,
I wish you would come to class more often. You are so kind, so interesting, and so much fun. But you only show half the time, and the class suffers when you aren't around. People look for you. Why don't you come more often?? I hate giving such a good student such a bad grade. But as many wise people have told me on my favorite blog: I cannot care more about your grade than you do. So I'll just mark you absent and wonder what "might have been."

Dear Terrible Toad,
What is this? We are talking about the current political discourse. We speak of candidates and their funding, Super PACs and policies. So when Catholicism comes up, it makes sense, for Catholic entities are funding Super PACs and political action groups and protesters and even candidates. I am not trying to say that Catholicism is evil, or their God is not the real God, or that Islam is somehow awesome sauce in compared to a few men in red robes. I'm not saying anything about that because this is about the Political side of Catholicism, and not about religion. Your inability to grasp that teeny tiny concept is really starting to hurt my brain. Please stop spouting racist things about people you do not know in an attempt to make our conversation suddenly become about which religion is "best" and which is "worst." I DON'T CARE.

And Betty Buttercup,
I know you anticipate your college to be full of Liberal terrorists seeking to indoctrinate you from your faith and Republican ideals. I'm sure many people have warned you about seeking an education precisely because of this. But I swear, I am not trying to challenge your faith by asking you about modern events or using the internet. I did not ask you to wonder what it would be like had Native Americans come to Europe and started slaughtering Europeans. What does that even have to do with our class?? Why did you write that paper? Why do each of your classroom comments begin with "I know you'll hate this because I'm a conservative, but..." What if it's a good point? Why start like that? Just say your piece. Stick to the reading, comment on the philosophies or statistics, but there is no need to bring up the Moody Bible or how Fibonacci Numbers explain when Jesus will return. Or for fuck's sake, just drop out of my class.