Spring Break Temper Tantrum

For most of us, this is Spring Break week. I taught an eight-week class that required grades to be turned in this week. I took my computer on vacation, finished them during our first day, and told the students to have a great break and email me with questions at my college account afterward since I wouldn't be in the course.

I knew I shouldn't, but I checked my work email today. I had three emails: one from Simple Simon asking me if I'd read his emails in the course system, and two from Simon's daddy. Daddy and Simon are unhappy with Simon's failing grade. They want a grade conference with me--together. Simon's daddy also thinks I'm unprofessional since I didn't respond to Simon's phone call to my office Monday or the two emails Daddy sent me DURING SPRING BREAK. Since a student can waive his FERPA rights with a form, that means I have to talk to Daddy, but I will be doing so in front of my chair as a witness. Here's what I would like to say:

Dear Daddy:

Your son failed my class because he is, to put it kindly, barely literate. You should know this by now as his transcript is riddled with grades of D and F as well as a series of withdrawals. His GPA begins with a 1. That does not mean he is first in his class.

Simon could not formulate a well-crafted response to literature of any type of rodentia even if William Shakespeare were standing next to him at the computer dictating the response and Diogenes were behind him with his lamp to illuminate the room. Your son would recognize these names only from the cheat sites he visited in lieu of reading the actual literature.

Simon could not count to 150, the number of words I requested in response to study questions. He was lucky to make triple digits. I told Simon this when he asked why he was failing. I recommended he use Word's oh-so-friendly counting feature to help. I even provided a tip sheet with specific information about how to do better on study questions. Yet he still never made it beyond 110 at his very best, and his peer review responses to classmates were always some variation of "Me too. I agree that [rewording of one point from classmate's study question]."

Simon could not read directions. For the research project, I gave samples of what to do. I provided links to handy websites. We talked in class about what needed to be done. I provided not one but two chances for rough drafts to be submitted for comments. Simon either did not take advantage of these chances or, when he did, ignored my comments. Simon had a partner who did a great job on the research project and put up excellent examples of what to do. Simon ignored these examples also.

Simon could not understand what a credible academic source was. We spent all term discussing this, yet when Simon showed up for the final, he used such scholarly powerhouses as 123helpme.com, freeessays.com, and gradehelper.com. The prompt specifically said to use literature from the course or credible academic sources we'd used in class. Simon used no literature in his essay.

Simon thinks he deserves to pass because he "worked hard." My records show that he didn't even spend the minimum amount of time online required to meet contact hour standards. Simon actually read about 10% of the online course artifacts. So if he was working hard, it must have been while he was busy online looking for all those cheat sites outside the course.

Simon wants to be a teacher. This frankly scares the living shit out of me. I don't have children, but I wouldn't even want him near a school building where the children of any of my parent friends or those who will be my future college students might attend. The stupid is so powerful with him that I think it could penetrate the walls from his very presence. Simon can't spell. His reading skills are subpar at best. He can't write at any level of depth. He thinks he is "an A student" when his grades are to the contrary. I looked at his grades in my discipline. He had to retake the basic courses multiple times and was able to squeeze out a grade higher than C only by taking a class at Super Easy Community College with an adjunct desperate to hold onto her job by giving as many good grades as possible. Obviously she did not teach him, or at least he did not learn, about documented writing and research, two skills my college requires in order to demonstrate competency to move to the next level.

And last but not least, the fact that Simon needs to have his daddy accompany him to a grade conference, accompanied by the entitlement that both Simon and you, Daddy, demonstrate by demanding I work during my time off, does not bode well for him as a fully functional adult. Daddy, are you going to accompany Simon every time this happens? What if, God forbid, Simon actually achieves his desire to shape young minds? Will you be attending parent-teacher conferences, either misunderstanding what "parent" means here or stepping in when those mean parents say anything about your son you don't think is fair?

You may consider this my temper tantrum, but I think it pales in comparison to your son's insistence that he deserves something better than what he earned and your demands that I come in to work and respond to your emails when the place I work is CLOSED and I am NOT ON CONTRACT.

Oh, and lest you think this is because I'm such a lousy teacher, you should also know that in this class, the only other students who failed were a few who quit coming to class weeks ago and didn't drop. I had a couple of well-earned Ds, but every single other student managed to pass with a C or better. I received several thank you notes from students who loved the course, even after I turned in grades, who said they learned much more than they thought they would and actually came to appreciate reading genres they thought they didn't like before.

So Daddy, it's not me; it's Simon. My chair and I will be happy to show you, in the most polite way possible of course, what a dolt you've raised.

Disgustedly yours,

EnglishDoc