One of my hobbies is finding and gifting inappropriate children's books to family and friends. An all-time favorite is "The Story of the Mole Who Went in Search of Whodunnit"; or if you prefer the original German title: "Who Shit On My Head?"
It's a great book because I think it prepares children for the realities of grownup life, with one caveat. It's usually no great mystery as to who shit on your head. In fact, my list gets longer every day. These individuals and organizations deserve my thanks, and I list them here in no particular order. If I had students right now, believe me, they would be on the list as well.
Thank you massively unorganized project I am coming onto in the very last year. Not only did you shit on my head, but you also expect me to bottle the stuff and call it perfume.
Thank you to various individuals in authority positions over me, who I will not name here, for your consistency and viscosity, day after day; enormous piles that drive me to curse and drink and ponder a variety of alternative careers.
Thank you to my former R1 department: you didn't teach me much about being a responsible scholar, but you did teach me how to masterfully and accurately unload directly onto taxpayers, staff, TAs, RAs, students, and fellow faculty. I would no doubt use those skills if given the chance.
Thank you job market. It's not like I didn't expect it, but the amount and force was staggering.
Thank you to the search committees this year. There were enormous rumblings earlier but now I've heard nothing for weeks. You know it's bad for you to hold it in, right? I suppose I only have to wait a few more months before you finally dump it all right on my head, probably at the very moment I've forgotten it's coming.
Finally, well done past self. Truly, if anyone has shit on your head, it is you. Getting to where you are today took a lot of foresight, talent, and determination.
Unrelated to being shit on, but have you read _Go the Fuck to Sleep_? Love that book, too.
ReplyDeleteI am especially UNFOND of the postponed head-shitting from search committees that fail to notify me until 2 years after I applied for a job, only to remind me that two years later, they STILL don't want me. Good luck!!!
Yeah, every time I get a rejection letter over a year after I sent in an application, I want to say, "Don't strain yourselves!"
Delete"Go the fuck to sleep" is right there with "Everybody Poops" in my library.
DeleteIn my spare time, I'm penning a children's book titled, "Buyers market: 1001 fun ways to shit on desperate job applicants"
Post of the Week.
ReplyDeleteAnd, for this:
"Not only did you shit on my head, but you also expect me to bottle the stuff and call it perfume"
Image of the Month
Oh my God. It took me a while to realize the mole wasn't wearing a cunning knitted hat. Sorry about all the shit, Bison, but your image made my day!
ReplyDeleteSo basically you're the world's least qualified person to be teaching eager young minds how to make correct life choices?
ReplyDeleteYeah, correct life choices aren't my area of expertise. Instead, I focus on more important questions for students: How will I be shit on in my life? What kind of shit should I expect? How long will the shit last? What do I do when I've lost my shit? You get the idea.
DeleteMy problem with StockStalker's premise starts with "eager young minds" (none of those qualities exist in my students). Moreover, the notion that there are correct life choices that PROFESSORS are supposed to be helping students make scares the hell out of me. It again implies that the professor is to blame (or is responsible) when students make life choices.
DeleteNot you, buddy. There's not a salary big enough to make me want to help you grow up and shit on other people's heads at Daddy's company.
DeleteAlright, one more: I really wish I could put this shit on my CV.
ReplyDeleteThe German titles are always better.
ReplyDeleteEverything is better in German, except Kant. Not that he's easy in English.
DeleteYeah, I hated being a postdoc too, especially after February came and went. If it's any consolation, for two of my postdoc jobs, I was hired in June. (!) For my tenure-track assistant professorship, I was hired at the very end of April, just 2-3 days before I got a letter on May 1 from the bastards who were my bosses when I was an Accursed Visiting Assistant Professor, who wanted to re-hire me to prolong the agony for another year for $35k, how very generous of them. The anxiety during the weeks leading to all of these was no fun. Hang in there, I hope something comes through soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks Frod! Venting certainly helps as does booze. No doubt something will happen, hopefully sooner rather than later.
DeletePost of the Week!
ReplyDeleteI actually have had a semi-autobiographical memoir of a similar theme kicking around in my head: "I should have listened to the (Burger) King"
ReplyDeleteMy Dad toiled away as a middle manager in various tech companies but instilled in me the rather non shitty mantra of: "I pay for performance. Don't kiss my ass, do the work."
Then got my first job (guess where?)
My Dad's words echoing in my ears, I set to work. I knew it wasn't going to be my life's work, but I wanted to make an impression, do my best, and move up one rung on the ladder.
So, I did what I was told and offered to do a little extra here and there. Eventually, after demonstrating my abilities (or so I thought) I asked, "Will I ever get that up one rung promotion?"
Life lesson reply: "Why should we pay you an extra 25 cents an hour for stuff you're doing for free right now?"
[Side note: In that same job, I had another life lesson which actually involved shit.]
Perhaps I should just translate it all to German.
I'd vote for PoW too. I laughed out loud.
ReplyDeleteAnd Frod: Kant sucks, no matter what language. To this day, when I can't sleep, I get out the Prolegomena and *bam* I'm out.