Dr. Jekyll: I received the following e-mail from my local administrator.
To: Department Faculty
From: Local administrator
Subject: Society membership
Colleagues:
Please let me know if you are a member of any professional or academic societies. Please respond with a list of all such societies to which you belong.
Best Regards,
Local Administrator
No further explanation was given for this request. At first, I hoped that this meant our college would start reimbursing us for membership dues. Then I realized a more likely scenario was that the Local Administrator had to file some sort of report with a College Administrator.
About one week later, I received the following e-mail.
To: Faculty
From: Bureaucratic Lackey
Subject: New President's Coronation
Beaker Ben (American Chemical Society), Emergency Mathematical Hologram (American Mathematical Society), Wombat of the Copier (American Society of Animal Science), Compound Cash (American Horticultural Society), Dr. Jekyll and Professor Hyde (Basket Weaving Research and Education Society)
You have been designated to represent the academic and professional societies as listed above at the New President's coronation on 32 Craptober 2012. The schedule for the day is the following.
9:00 - 10:00 Designated faculty check in and dress in academic regalia
10:00 - noon Coronation ceremony. Program consists of Administrators publicly fellating each other.
Noon - 1:00 Reception. All designated faculty are expected to attend.
Please let me know if you cannot attend or if you are in need of academic regalia.
Best Regards,
Bureaucratic Lackey
I've been snookered! I should have never answered the first e-mail in the first place. How can I get out of this? I don't want to waste half a day watching administrators fawn over each other!
Prof. Hyde: Though he has a reputation for keeping cool, my dear colleague sometimes misses the obvious. While my preferred method for getting out of this commitment would involve lots of physical violence, something simpler can be done. Just say "no," my good man. You have been given an out in the last line of Lackey's message.
Dr. Jekyll: What ever would I do without you, dear friend?
Prof. Hyde: More time reading and less time on amateur chemistry, perhaps?
Send a cardboard cutout of yourself in your place.
ReplyDeleteSweet Jesus. I'm definitely no longer a graduate student and fully on the tenure track. My first thought was "Well, can you put that in your portfolio?" Fuck.
ReplyDeleteI am unavailable but I am in need of regalia. Thank you for considering my circumstances.
ReplyDelete... or at least pants...
DeleteUm, if they're fellating each other, the regalia might retain the traditional role as a smock. Ewwwwwwww...
ReplyDeleteIf you are fully promoted and have tenure, then you say sorry, can't do it.
ReplyDeleteBut they would not have asked you if you were fully promoted and had tenure, is what I am thinking.
My Dean (I am fully promoted and have tenure) if she wanted me to do this, would know I'd flat out refuse via e-mail. So she'd call me and really put the pressure on. And I'd probably cave.
But in this case, if you still need something like a promotion or tenure or reappointment, I am afraid as far as I can tell, you are screwed.
Dear Deanie-Pants,
ReplyDeleteI regret that I will be unable to attend the ceremony. Were I able to attend, I would be unable to fulfill the assigned representative function. I am in fact a paid-up member of the American Association of Hamster Fur Weaving and Gerbil Adornment Scientists and Practitioners, but I am not an officer of that organization, neither elected nor appointed - not even self-appointed. I can in no way claim to represent that organization in any capacity whatsoever, especially not in a public academic setting. If you want to inflate your self importance in the presence of representatives of illustrious academic associations, you will have to invite and fly in proper representatives. The money's there. Just cash in another TT job for six adjuncts and spend the difference on fancy invitations in embossed envelopes and airplane tickets.
I wish you an enjoyable morning, noon and afternoon of fellating and remain with warmest regards,
AS