The Keelhaul

Hello, Student That Is Going to Receive an “F” in My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  You plagiarized. 

Did you think I was talking out of my ass when I had you read all that shit about plagiarism, and made you sign a contract stating that you wouldn’t do it, and that you understood you would fail the class if you did?  I don’t ever talk out of my ass, Student That Is Going to Receive an “F” in My Online Sophomore Survey Class. Though you have persisted in treating me like I’m your “bestie,” I have been deadly serious with you since you begged me to bump the cap for you three weeks ago.  If you recall then I wouldn’t bump the cap.  What makes you think I will spare you now?

Hello again, Student That Is Going to Receive an “F” in My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  Your sob story is not making me sob.  In fact, it is making me even happier about giving you that F you so richly deserve.  Do you think I fucking care that “all hell broke lose” at your house last night?  You want to know what I was doing last night?  I was weeping onto a broken flashlight at 2 a.m., trying to get it working so that I could go look for my beloved little dog.  She ran off instead of doing her business when I let her outside.  That fucking dog runs off if you don’t keep her in line, but I was not watching carefully because I had made the grave error of getting myself a glass of milk.  She is a little shit but I love that dog.  So there I was, driving around in the dark, searching for her.  She was in the driveway when I got home, and I was so happy that I forgot to be mad at her.  But I was still crying.  It took a trazodone, a Xanax, and a bunch of Kahlua and vodka dumped into that glass of milk to get me calmed down.  So go fuck yourself with your excuse about “all hell breaking loose”.  Go fuck yourself sideways.

I care even less, Student That Is Going to Receive an “F” in My Online Sophomore Survey Class, about your claim that you panicked and sent me a different file than you intended to send.  Do you know how often plagiarists use that excuse?  Do you even know?  It’s what they all revert to.  “Oh, I sent you my notes!” “Oh, I was so tired and I just made a mistake!” You’re a fucking liar. And you’re not even an interesting liar.  You’re just the same old boring Type-O liar I’ve seen a thousand times before.

And no, Student That Is Going to Receive an “F” in My Online Sophomore Survey Class, I don’t care that you’re a “mature” student in middle age.  This only means you should know better. 

No, Student That Is Going to Receive an “F” in My Online Sophomore Survey Class, I don’t care that you are begging.  This only means you are pathetic.

No, Student That Is Going to Receive an “F” in My Online Sophomore Survey Class, I don’t care that you need this course to graduate.  This only means that you shouldn’t graduate.

No, Student That Is Going to Receive an “F” in My Online Sophomore Survey Class, I don’t care that you promise “not to let me down” if I just let you go one more time.  This only means that you are delusional, or living in some alternate universe where there is a version of me that gives a shit about what happens to a lying plagiarist. 

In fact, your promise that you won’t “let me down” is the very source of your complete lack of understanding about our relationship and your situation.  You presume wrongly in that you think you have the ability to let me down.  I had no hopes for you.  I did not have faith in you. You were worthless from the get-go and you’re still worthless.  Forever and ever, world without end. 

So, Student That Is Going to Receive an “F” in My Online Sophomore Survey Class, shut your fucking face and prepare to be dragged under the hull. 

You fail.