The Oarmaster

Hello, Student That Wants Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  Yes I know you want in.  That’s why I am addressing you as “Student That Wants Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.”  Unfortunately, there are no spaces left in my class.  I do not care that you will be “eternally grateful” if I let you in.   Would you spontaneously decide to devote hours and hours of your life to me, someone you’ve never met, just for my convenience and just because I asked?  No?  I thought not.  Why do you expect the same of me?  I don’t let anyone in over the cap. Ever.  Unless you are a personal friend or a student so blessed with insight that I am inclined to learn something from you (which never happens, because students I am inclined to learn something from have their shit together), you can’t get in. 

But here’s a little tip, Student That Wants Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  If you check your computer every ten minutes during the add/drop period, I can almost assure you a space.  Because once the other students see my syllabus and contract, many of them will abandon ship, and there will be an oar waiting just for you.

Hello again, Student That Wants Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  Yes I know you still want in.  So, you’ve checked “three whole times” to see if any student has dropped.  It’s not the add/drop period, though, Student That Wants Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  And “three whole times” will not be enough.  You will need to sit by your computer, for two whole days, checking and rechecking, during the add/drop period.  And you know what? I don’t care that you used to adjunct at Very Important Lower State University.  I flick boogers at Very Important Lower State University, and I flick boogers at you for thinking that this will impress me.  Besides, you’re lying.  How do I know?  I just do, Student That Wants Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  You’re an idiot.  And even though they do indeed employ idiots at Very Important Lower State University, I don’t think even they would employ you.

Hello, Student That Got Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  Yes, I see you got in.  See how easy that was?  Just follow directions, that’s all.  And no, I don’t think God had anything to do with it. 

Hello, Student That Got Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  Yes I saw your effusive email thanking me for my “help” in critiquing your homework.  You won’t be thanking me when I fail you.  No, then you will be pleading with me for extra credit, telling me once again how you were an adjunct at Very Important Lower State University, so you “know how it is”.  You will tell me again how you desperately need to pass the class to get your degree, et cetera, et cetera.

Stop bothering me, Student That Got Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  You have only turned in half the work assigned so far, and have not followed any of the directions.  Your essays are half the required size they need to be.  You’ve taken huge swathes of text from the reading and dropped them down into your own work without citing properly. You have not treated your essay, as per the instructions, as a closed-book test. You’ve also decided to complete your essays in question and answer format, which makes them not essays at all.

You, Student That Got Into My Online Sophomore Summer Class, are one of those students that think they can get whatever they want just by being polite.  Saying “please” and “thank you”.  By treating your teacher as if she is your friend.  I ain’t your friend, Student that Got Into My Online Sophomore Survey Class.  Your unctuous smiles and your toadying behavior will get you less than nowhere.

Because what I am is your oarmaster. And if you keep fucking around I’m going to throw you overboard.