Email from a student:
Dear Dr. Cynic: I hope you are having a good summer. I know that you want me to succeed and the only way I can do that is to make money over the summer by selling Cutco products. If you aren't familiar with Cutco products, they are wonderful. I would like to make an appointment to show you the beauty that is Cutco. I know you can benefit from Cutco and I can benefit from getting the income so I can come back to school in the Fall.
Please let me know when you will be in your office so I can come over to show you these beautiful knives and kitchen utensils.
Sincerely,
Earnest Student
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Dear Earnest:
I hope you are having a good summer, too. Stop hitting me up for money, please. I cannot bear the burden of such requests.
Besides, I know the beauty that is Cutco because I have nine Cutco knives, all of which are fabulous (except the pie scooper/spatula/spreader thingie; I could do without that, but I only bought it because it was the cheapest item during a sales pitch). These nine different Cutco knives are from nine different student presentations I have sat through nine times in the past. Yes, they are all from nine other students like you, trying to earn money for college (granted, one of them was my roommate). In all honesty, I believe I could do the Cutco sales pitch by heart now. While I wish you well in the future, and I hope you earn lots of money for tuition, I simply do not need another knife or kitchen/garden/hunting utensil, and I cannot (CANNNNOT!) sit through another presentation to make it ten for fear that I would use one of the knives in a desperate move to end the presentation.
Moreover, I only cook when I absolutely have to: once a year when my department head decrees that we bring home-cooked items to our Christmas potluck. And when I do cook, it's usually to make my specialty of egg salad (no knives needed) or to bake (again, no knives needed). I am sorry, but my annual foray into the culinary arts does not make the price tag of a $180 knife worth it when I have nine others that do their jobs perfectly well.
If Cutco ever sells candy, hit me up: I have a jar (and a mouth) in my office that can ALWAYS be filled!
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Dr. Cynic
Are you referring to the spatula thingy that spreads the peanut butter and then cuts the sandwich? I *love* that thing.
ReplyDeleteLOL--my significant other, who also eats sandwiches daily and is in charge of all things culinary in our household--also likes that thing.
DeleteThey can show me the knives, then I will show them my old bayonet and say "get the fuck out of my office. NOW!!!"
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of this scene in "Crocodile Dundee" where he says "That's not a knife."
DeleteKids on the playground beat that joke to death in the `80s....
DeleteGuilty as charged!
Delete"the beauty that is Cutco"!
ReplyDeleteAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
And I would like to show YOU the beauty that is the door hitting your ass on your way out.
HAH--I'm going to use that line, Stella! "Let me show you the beauty of not-my-office."
DeleteI'm astonished that your students have the gall to try and sell you stuff. I get annoyed when I receive invitations to connect with a student on LinkedIn or some other useless networking site. If any of them wanted me to buy crap from them, they would get shown the door in very short order.
ReplyDeleteI think this is because I'm on a campus with fewer than 1,200 students and in 4-5 years, they get to know us fairly well, and take liberties that my students would never have even imagined when I taught at state schools.
DeleteAs the only professional astronomer in a city of 500,000, I receive U.F.O. reports all the time. Most of the time I am kind to these people, since 90% of them are perfectly sane and really have seen something wonderful in the sky, such as Venus, sundogs, rocket launches from a nearby Air Force base, etc. I have yet to get a report of a genuine alien spacecraft. I don't want to be caught napping if I do get one, though. As J. Allen Hynek observed, ridicule is not part of the scientific method.
ReplyDeleteThe other 10% I try also to be kind to, since many of these are poor souls who are confused or lonely and need help. I will confess, however, that I can be short with people who are pulling my chain, particularly if they think I have money I can give them. But then, someting similar happened to Leonardo da Vinci, when some peasants brought him a bag of shells they'd found high up in the mountains, far from the sea, which we now know were fossils. Leonardo still didn't have any money for them, but at least he did get them to show him the site in the mountains where they'd found them.
Also: Students trying to sell me something I will admit are bad. What disturbs me more are students who try to save my soul.
You've written about the UFOs before.
DeleteGlithorix the Analprober is not happy.
I don't think anyone can save your soul, Froderick.
DeleteThe Saucermen don't want his soul.
DeleteThey want his ASS.
Students praying for your soul is disturbing. I got the professor praying for my soul when I was an undergraduate. She told me as much. No less disturbing.
DeleteReally, it's kind of disturbing no matter who is doing it.
It's nothing out of the ordinary here in CA. I can't guarantee that all my chili peppers on the-site-that-will-not-be-named are from girls. But if Glithorix is so interested, why doesn't he ever come out on the balcony and wave a tentacle?
DeleteYike! This is one I haven't encountered yet (okay; I think I've received a few website links from student-entrepreneurs, but no personalized sales pitches). I'm glad to be warned of the possibility.
ReplyDeleteIf this kind of thing is becoming common, we probably need to add to the kinds of relationships that shouldn't exist between proffies and current students (e.g. sexual) "business." At a time when student evaluations count for a lot in some places, that "I know you want me to succeed" line is especially troubling.
I wouldn't say this is becoming common, since I've only encountered this on the SLACs where I've taught (never in bigger universities)... I think it's simply a result of familiarity breeding a lack of boundaries. Since I'm on a Christian campus, we also get multiple pleas from students and colleagues to fund mission trips.
DeleteAh; that's probably another good reason for me to avoid SLACs (which is sort of too bad, since in some ways I think I'd fit in pretty well). I'm very fond of boundaries.
DeleteSome people, I believe are better at holding to their boundaries, regardless of the setting. I think, CC, that you'd do well anywhere. :o)
Delete