Dear Margaret Wente, Please Make Up Your Zarking Mind!

Disclaimer: This will probably make more sense to the Canuckistanis among us, but I couldn't let this little tidbit of Misery pass by without comment.

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Dear Margaret Wente,

I read with interest your column in this morning’s Groan and Wail.  I was genuinely moved by the gauzy reminiscences of your undergraduate experience, as you came of age during the heady days of Peace, Love, Woodstock, Flower Power, and Peter, Paul and Mary.  But for the love of Leapin’ Lucifer’s Loincloth, would you please make up your Zarking mind?!?

            I mean, one minute you’re accusing professors of all being lazy.  But this morning you were all misty eyed over the profs who used to smoke pot with you.  Last week it was how the affair between government and teachers is over.  Yet here you are this morning fondly remembering the erotic power that co-eds hold over middle aged proffies, and the lucky ones who snagged a professor husband.  There you are lecturing Quebec protestors that their degrees are worthless.  Scratch that.  There you are telling EVERYONE their degrees are worthless.   Here you are proudly telling us the most important lesson you learned in university was that everything important fits in a Volkswagon. (Really?)  Just last month you were telling universities how they are going to be replaced by Massively Open Online Courses.  Now you are recalling how much you learned from the broken heart you suffered when you found your boyfriend in the bathtub with your room-mate.  Seriously, Margaret, how in the hell are you going to make a MOOC out of that?!? (without it degenerating into cheap porn that is)? The mind boggles!

            A lesser man might be tempted to re-examine his faith in the punditocracy.  So in the name of Beelzebub’s Blistering Buttcheeks, I implore you to reconcile this conundrum.  Have you had some form of conversion?  (Are you now, even as I write this, travelling to Damascus by road?).  Are you completely blind to the contradiction?  Are you simply one of those dreary columnists who firmly believe that everyone else should adhere to principles from which you yourself are exempt?  Or is it simply as you pointed out in your column this morning that “Logic humiliated you”.

            Just make up your Zarking mind already!

Sincerely etc, 

Rosencrantz Andor Guildenstern

Department of Hamster Husbandry

University of Tuktoyaktuk

PS :  Tuk U!