I'm grading for a large undergrad class this semester. They just turned in their first batch of essays, and I'm knee-deep in misery.Without giving away too much, I'll say that the assigned topic of the essay asked the students to consider themes of sex and gender in several imaginary hamster societies. So far, several students who apparently couldn't be bothered to read the books or attend lectures have thrown the prompt to the wind and chosen to share their own special, free-form perspectives on human sexuality.
Here is an excerpt from one such gem, reproduced exactly as written:
"A male body type is not complete with out the female body type because of several things. Where the male lacks the female has makes up for it. A few examples that come to mind would be a male with short hair with a female who has long hair. A female with a rather large chest together with a male with a flat chest. Moving down the body a female has a hole near her waist and the male counters this with a rather large protruding thing called a penis to fill this hole."
Note: this student is a native English speaker with no reported learning disabilities, enrolled at a top-tier university.
Q: When I'm able to stop myself from cringing/laughing/cringing again, how the hell should I respond to this piece of brilliance? Feel free to share what you would like to say to the student, as well as what you think I actually should say (if anything).
"Were this a course on writing comedy, you would earn an A. As it stands, your understanding of things in general is so shoddy I cannot give you anything higher than a D-. I only give you a D- because you made me laugh until milk sprayed from the twin holes in the middle of my face, which are commonly called nostrils."
ReplyDeleteI find that about half the errors that students make in papers tend to be the same 6-7 errors, so I had stamps made up. For this, I'd use my stamp that says:
ReplyDeleteAvoid opinion, let the facts tell the story.
Another useful stamp here is the one that says:
How do you know? Please cite a reference.
What I want for this one is a stamp that says:
WILL you LISTEN to the state of this fool's BRAIN?
Something else you might write is:
DeleteYou have dribbled effluent all over this paper. Do it again and I will dock you two letter grades. Eeeewwwwwww...
I found a stamp at a craft store that I couldn't resist using a couple times. It's a cute little bear that says: STOP. READ THE DIRECTIONS. It's probably meant for first-graders. It's horribly condescending for college students, but also pretty hilarious. And most of my students who fail papers do so because they didn't read the directions carefully enough, so it's also appropriate.
DeleteA blurry photo of the stamp:
http://www.auctiva.com/hostedimages/showimage.aspx?gid=800931&ppid=1122&image=473339770&images=473339789,473339770&formats=0,0&format=0
Reading the directions trips them up every time.
DeleteI recently had a class submit an essay in which the question asked them to analyze changing relations between hamsters and guinea pigs in the period from 1950 to 1960.
At least 25 percent of the papers started their analysis in 1940 and didn't go further than 1948.
The problem with this is that my students will interpret it to mean "Stop reading the directions."
DeleteI would say, If you're putting it in the "large" hole near her waist, you're doing it wrong...which you will undoubtedly figure out when you meet your first "outie".
ReplyDeleteLOVE this response.
DeleteThank you, TCC--I work toward the raw sublime.
DeleteYou could inform the student that Rep. Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin is looking for a science advisor.
ReplyDeleteI say assign him Plato's Symposium and ask him to rewrite the essay using Aristophanes's speech for his evidence. This is a teachable moment, people! (I wish there were an irony font).
ReplyDelete"..fill this hole" and then it ends??? Much like some of the anime porn I read, ABOUT, once a while back. Apparently climax was not to be shown so the story just kinda ends when it should be getting good. Anyone can confirm? I am at work so I do not want to do too much searching on the subject.
ReplyDeleteYou ask how to respond to the student's writing but I don't really understand your question. You posted it here for us to laugh at. What other response would be appropriate?
ReplyDeleteAnd I laughed hard. First time today. Thanks.
DeleteOn their paper, sketch a picture of a "protuding thing" entering a "hole" with the big fat zero on their paper with the phrase "yer fucked".
ReplyDeleteI would call him into my office. I would sit across from him, hand him the paper, and say "read the paragraph I have marked aloud to me." When he's done, ask him "Did you really think that your readers did not know what a penis is?" Stare at him until he answers.
ReplyDeleteThe problem here, in all seriousness, is that he's imitating an academic discourse that is as alien to him as Tlingit. He's trying to sound profound and deep and does not have the language or the maturity to do so. A bit of light humiliation is indicated. It will, hopefully, make a little ghost professor in his brain that will look over his shoulder and say "I know what a penis is, you idiot," whenever it is relevant.
He'll also probably stop masturbating for at least two weeks. That's a side effect of ghost professors. Trust me. I know.
Sounds like he's still a virgin.
ReplyDeleteWere this only limited to the snowflakes . . .
ReplyDeleteWe've seen some submissions to Ye Olde Publishinge Housee by Very Senior People that make this look like Immanuel teapartying Kant. Curmudgeon, could we borrow your stamp for a bit? We need to reply to that annoying silverback down the hall from you.