Sunday, November 18, 2012

Pre Thanksgiving Moderator's Daughter is Home From College So the Blog Is Sure to Fail in a Major Way Archival Posting. BLARRRRRRRGH. 3 Years Ago on RYS.


Sarcasm Is Wasted On the Stupid. A New RYS Playlet. "Charlie Must Be So Stoned!"

Cheating Charlie: What? I didn't cheat! What are you talking about?!?!!

Me: So it's a co-incidence that you wrote down the exact same 10 wrong (at best) to nonsensical answers as the girl in front of you?

Cheating Charlie: I studied so hard.

Me: This test was a gimmie - I even gave you a review sheet. If you studied for 10 minutes, you should have aced it, or at least known what some of the words meant.

Cheating Charlie: I did - I swear - you can even call my mom [attempts to hand me a phone].

Me: [jaw dropped - long pause] Ok, then why don't you tell me right now what your answer to question 1 was.

Cheating Charlie: [bats eyes - like a cow covered in flies]

Me: It's literally impossible for you to both have come up with these answers, and since she spelled the words correctly, I think she was just guessing and you were looking over her shoulder unable to make out the right letters.

Cheating Charlie: [bats eyes, which are now starting to mist]

Me: So at this point, the Dean has it and it's out of my hands.

Cheating Charlie: OK, yeah I did copy, but you don't understand. I studied so hard and I just wanted to do really well on your test.

Me: If you'd studied at all, let alone "so hard", you'd know she didn't study at all and you wouldn't have bothered to copy this crap.

Cheating Charlie: So I get an F for the term?

Me: That's the school policy. I announced it while you were taking the exam. You looked right at me when I said it, which should have been the sign that it was time to take your test from you right then and there, but I thought maybe you'd rethink it and do the right thing. So don't pretend you don't know what's going to happen to you.

Cheating Charlie: But what about the three strikes thing?

Me: [batting eyes - furring brow]

Cheating Charlie: The three strikes thing. This is my third time, so I'll get expelled if you turn me in.

Me: Your THIRD time!!??!!!

Cheating Charlie: Yeah, so you can't turn it in or they'll kick me out.

Me: Well, God knows I wouldn't want a three time cheat to have to suffer the negative consequences of his actions.

Cheating Charlie: [relieved] Oh, Good! That's a load off my mind.


  1. Wasting sarcasm on the stupid is like a cat playing with a mouse. It's a low form of humor, like teasing the dog: "Hey I got food for you, no I don't!" Never make an ironic statement in class, or put one on an exam: students will invariably think it's true.

  2. There once was a student who felt shame,
    whose conscience was wired to his brain.
    But 'twas a long time ago,
    lost in a blinding snow
    and the academy has not been the same.

  3. I had one like this a long time ago. I nailed him dead to rights for plagiarism. His response? "You people are after me! I'm being persecuted! Last year another prof gave me grief for the same thing. I don't understand?!" Priceless.

  4. Another interesting detail: it seems that, on some level, Charlie expected you already to *know* that he was on his third strike. I suppose that, after two earlier offenses, the Dean may recognize his name, but it's also entirely possible that it will take a while for the powers that be to look up his record and determine the appropriate response. I'd like to appreciate his "everybody knows everything about me" response to a guilty conscience, but I suspect it might be more accurate to describe him as never having gotten over the toddler's conviction that he is the center of the universe. Somebody ought to introduce him to Brueghel's "Landscape with Fall of Icarus" and/or Auden's "Musee de Beaux Arts," methinks. Sadly, though, he's no Icarus. At least Icarus wanted to soar.


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