Saturday, December 22, 2012

4 Years Ago on RYS. The Archive Machine Loves Ben.


Where ya been, Beaker Ben?

Brothers and sisters and all you cool types somewhere in between: I bring good tidings and the answer to your question, “How the hell am I going to get through another semester?” Worry no longer. Behold and rejoice!

Concocted deep within the Beaker Ben laboratory and with patent pending, I submit for your enjoyment: Proffie Porn(TM).

No, not THAT type of porn. Get your mind out of the gutter. You want to nail the new adjunct in the psych department? Fine (nice choice, BTW). Fantasize about that on your own time. I’ve got something that is more high-minded and also stirs our deepest passions. Here’s how it’ll work.

[RYS moderators: insert wavy lines to begin dream sequence. Thanks, BB]

While visiting RYS one evening, I notice the new ad on the sidebar – the one with the hottie reading a book with a phone number below it. What’s that for? “Listen to students do the most unbelievable things!” it says. “Let them fulfill your fantasies! Just call 1-900- ...”

I’ve called these numbers, back before I got dial-up. This should be fun. I know what I’d tell them to do. Dial ‘er up!

Ring ... Ring.

Computer voice: In what field do you hold a Ph.D.? Press 1 for humanities; press 2 for science; press 3 for business; press 4 for engineering.

BB: Huh? Um, ok. [presses 2]

The sultry voice of a Proffie Porn(TM) customer associate comes on the line. “Hello, professor. My name’s Tasha.”

BB: Hi Tasha. What sort of things are you into?

Tasha: [sighs] It’s Saturday and I’ve got to study.

BB: Oh, that’s so hot – wait. Did you say “study”?

Tasha: Yeah, I’ve got a big intro chem test on Monday. I’ve been studying this stuff all week but there’s still a few of the advanced problems that I can’t work out.

BB: [gulps] You started studying early? Now you are working out the questions that probably won’t even be on the test?

Tasha: Well, sure. I want to stay on the honor roll. [Pause] Professor, are you still there?

BB: Yeah, sorry. I dropped the phone. I’ve never heard of a college girl doing that sort of thing on a Saturday night, and I’ve been around a while.

Tasha: Oh, professor [giggles], we do this sort of stuff all the time at Proffie Porn(TM). Wanna help a bright, hard-working student excel in her classes?

BB: [breathing heavy] Hold on a second. I need to unbuckle, er, get more comfortable.

Tasha: I’m studying on chapter 5, ideal gases.

BB: Oh, God, yes. I love teaching that stuff. What problem are you working on? Read it to me and take it nice and slow.

Tasha: I need help deriving the van der Waals equation. After we do that together, you can tell me all about your research.

BB: Oh, oh, oh! Wait! [pauses] Dammit. [pauses] Hi, Tasha? Thanks for talking to me. I feel a lot better now. Can I call you back next week?

[OK, RYS moderators, I’ll need some wavy lines so readers know we’re back to reality. I want to make sure that everybody knows that it was all fake, especially the ending. OK? Thanks again. You guys are awesome. BB]

Show’s over. Yeah, it still needs some fine tuning. The girls always ask about the prof’s research too soon. Don’t they know anything about foreplay? I guess romance really is dead. Anyway, once this gets up off the ground, I’ll be raking in the money from credit card payments. We’ll also accept deposits from academic department accounts and federal research funds.

Don’t try to cash in on this idea before I take it to market. I put that little “TM” after the name, so it’s all mine.


  1. Ben, a man your age should know better, plus steer clear of the hotties from the psych department, they might look nice but their baggage just isn't worth it.

    1. I would fear that she would view it less as a relationship and more of a thesis project. I'm pretty complicated.

  2. Do you have any willing to say that the grade I assigned is totally fair, and they earned it, and they just want to wish me a good break? I could use one of those (gender immaterial) right about now.

  3. "Dear Chronicle of Higher Education. I never believed the letters your printed before, and then one day a pair of Swedish exchange students approached me about an Independent Study...."