"Can you fix it?" A fairly good question, widely used, innocuous and polite in most cases. A query that usually garners results. Even I, the bumbling Dr. Ballistic, have employed that very same phrase many a crisp autumn day."Can you fix it?" I ask the mechanic as my prehistoric jalopy wheezes in the garage, its death-rattles almost drowned by the bevy of shrieks and whines of other machines being worked on other cars. I mean yeah, I'm all prepped with a notepad, my pencil plucked from its throne behind my ear, to jot down its last wish ("I've always wanted a fuchsia hubcap, Ballistic") and indeed, the mechanic has already doffed his cap out of respect (or the heat), but I ask anyway. Wanna know why? Because I have hope; that old geezer's been faking deaths on me for a good decade, what's a few more? And because fixing fussy dinomobiles is the mechanic's diddling job.
"Can you fix it?" I ask IT Guy after my OnlineProgramFor BetterStudentPerformance And AlsoBecauseThisGoodInstitutionIsTryingDesperately ToBeHipAndTrendy (TM) absolutely refuses to let me log in. I've even threatened it with eye-watering yodeling (I am cultured, my friends!) and we all know yodeling is the remedy to most of life's problems. It would be so much easier to trundle along as I have for so long, physical handouts, email attachments, workshops and all, but I ask anyway. Wanna know why? Because I have hope it will interest these world-weary souls who seem to find nothing interesting in life, because I hope it will increase their performance, because I hope it will enhance my students' learning experience. And because fixing interweb glitches is IT Guy's diddling job.
See what I mean? A nice, useful question in most cases.
But not this case, Forlorn Fred. Not. This. Case. This is a month before final exams; the withdrawal date passed ages ago. I sent out emails the week before that fateful date, Fred, emails to those who absolutely could not pass this course unless they managed to finagle wishes from the Genie of Grades, and there was radio silence from your end of the cosmos. You've missed more classes than you've attended and because my lectures consist of more than me reading aloud from the textbook and jazzing to Yakety Sax, there were questions on the midterm you couldn't figure out.
"This werehamster breed wasn't in the book! The book only talked about wererhodentia! Ballistic, dude, you gotta help me! My grade's really bad! Can you fix it?"
Fred, my dear, dear fellow. This is not the time for that question and you have no right asking it. Wanna know why? Because you have no hope of passing this course. And because fixing your grade is not my diddling job.
oh yes, with especially whiny emphasis on the first syllable of 'anything' this is the time of year for, "Isn't there AAAANNNNything I can do to get a better grade?"
ReplyDeleteOft-suppressed responses:
--"Invent a time machine, go back and FUCKING DO IT RIGHT FROM THE START!"
or
--"Nope, you screwed yourself royally, you moron. Nice knowin' ya!"
or
--"Sure, get a unanimous petition from the whole class to the Dean saying what a spectacular instructor I am and how I really deserve a huge raise. That might get me to consider a higher grade for you!"
Instead I normally chirp brightly: "Oh my! Well . . . certainly go over all of your work to see if I made any mistakes in the grading. I would HATE to see you get a grade that you don't DESERVE because of any mistake of MINE!"
They never even hear the sarcasm.
In my last job I had a colleague who actually used the time machine line, sans expletives. But I am 100% behind your bright little chirp, sarcasm and all.
DeleteI once actually said, "Not unless backwards causation is actually a thing," but the kid didn't get offended because he didn't understand me.
ReplyDeleteI usually tell them to suck it up and take the class over.
I'd probably start going on about closed time-like loops.
DeleteI'd probably start going on about closed time-like loops.
DeleteFix it?! Things only need fixing if they are broken. Everything seems fine here. How do I know? Because dumbass students are supposed to fail and that's what happened here.
ReplyDeleteOK, I suppose dogs and cats can be fixed but I assume (hope) that the student didn't mean that.
This is the most logical thing I've read all week.
DeleteAmen. Ben has just identified the logic that is currently missing from much thinking in higher ed these days. I'm not really inclined to go back to the days of the "look to the right; look to the left; only one of you will be here come April" speech to freshpersons, but it did have something to recommend it.
Delete"Sorry, fixed point in time!" and then flounce off to the TARDIS.
ReplyDeleteNICE!
DeleteSays in my syllabus that I DO NOT do extra credit. And I have asked students who have desperately requested this favor, "Why should I do more work because you chose not to do any?"
ReplyDeleteI post a picture of Clay Matthews III in his famous flex pose (OL for Green Bay Packers. Google him. I'll wait).
DeleteUnderneath it I write: "Would you ask *him* for extra credit? Don't ask me either." So far, that has forestalled the begging.
I, too, have encountered the idea that an unsatisfactory (to the student) or missing (because I, unlike a scantron or online multiple-choice test, cannot produce grades in minutes after the completion of the assignment) grade needs to be "fixed." Personally, I blame all those battery-operated toys that make noises and otherwise respond when you push buttons (and, I suppose, the internet); students are too used to instantaneous gratification.
ReplyDelete