Thursday, May 9, 2013

If I were Mod

I don't read your page, but I found it today while researching my son's college. I cannot believe that professionals would act the way you do. You are a ridiculous lot. You have the cooshiest job there is, and you get to have job security knowing that there will always be high school students who want to better themselves in your colleges. And you shit on all of them with your ridiculous stories. Stories I say because they have to be made up. I got all three of my kids through high school, and I know they are not perfect, but to mock them and make fun of them like so many of you do is despicable.

You know I think there’s actually an attachment you can buy for your vacuum that will get that sand out of your vagina.  Also: I teach your kid and he’s a stupid asshole.  In addition:  Fuck you.  

My colleague gave me this address today because she thought it was a funny site. But I do not share her opinion. I'm disgusted by your lack of professionalism. So many people work so hard to make college a transformative experience and you seem to just throw that all away in order to be clever to each other. And when one of you says something awful about lazy students, there are more who jump into agree. I can't believe any organization or union would support what you're doing and I'd bet it's slanderous the kinds of articles you publish.

Unions?  BWAHAHAHAHA!  We don’t need no stinking unions, or “organizations” either.  We have wit.  And intelligence.  And Rabelasian senses of humor.  Fuck you.

(Actually on second thought it would be kind of nice to have a union.)  

My son is a freshmen, I hope not at your college, and when he comes home for breaks he always talks about how horrible professors are. I never got to go to college, so I take him at his word. If this is what represents how you think and what you are, I'm glad I went to work instead. My son was so excited to go to college, but he now knows that it's a joke. I say the biggest joke is your website.

1) He is a freshman at my college.
2) I am pretty horrible. 
3) You’re a total idiot to take your son at his word about anything. 
4) Remember that advice I gave to the first emailer about the vacuum for her sandy vagina?  You need the deluxe version.
5) Fuck you.  

I think your site is great. I would like to write some of my stories and send them in. I'm not a professor anymore, but I have some stories that would be pretty good stacked up alongside the others. I had a student once tell me that her roommate wrote her paper and that's why she got the F for plagiarizing. I said, "Do you want me to flunk your roommate, too?" And the roommate was right there and said, "I didn't do it. My brother helped me." Crazy stuff like that. How much do you pay? Do you pay by word or by entry?

It’s a hundred dollars a word. Write as much as you like about whatever you like. Only you have it backwards.  You pay CM.  Then, the RGM will split the pot with the four people who run this site, one of whom is me (I am Strelnikov and Bubba and in my most xanaxed moments Contingent Cassandra).  Give us a magnum opus. You can do it!  Mama needs a new Viking Range.   


  1. Ooooooooh. Those Viking Ranges DO look nice.

  2. I love the light touch and subtle wit of this.

  3. "I don't read your page..."
    You think our stories are made up because even though your kids aren't perfect, it's mean to make fun of them? Thanks for letting us know early that we'll have to spend an extra week developing your kids' critical thinking skills because you sure as hell haven't got the foggiest clue.

    "My colleague gave me this address..."
    Any bozo can make college a transformative experience. Everything that happens when you are between 18 and 21 living on your own for the first time is transformative. You think we're clever? Thank you. Don't underestimate the importance of being clever.

    "My son is a freshmen, I hope not at your college..."
    I hope not too.
    You never got to be a professor so you'll have to take our word for it that your son is a dolt.

    "I think your site is great."
    Add this to the long list of emails that should have ended after one sentence.
    Actually, I can't top what Stella said so I'll stop here.

    1. Actually, I can't top what Stella said so I'll stop here.

      Some posts are so perfect that comments are (in my opinion, and despite me commenting now*) superfluous.

      Stella's post was one of those.

      *but I excuse myself as I have the "cooshiest" job there is.

  4. "Coosh...coosh...coosh."
    The sound of snowflakes underfoot.

    1. Mmmmmm. This reminds me of Calvin's galoshes.

  5. And by the way...

    I don't read your page, but I found it today while researching my son's college.

    Maybe, next time, "research" it before he enrolls?

  6. How can we do anything but love you, you sexy bastard, Stellakov, Contingent PhD?

    You are a dissociative inspiration to us all!

  7. Brilliant! I'm honored to be associated with you in any way, even via Xanax. (Now I'm trying to figure out who the Xanaxed version of me would be -- or would the result be comatose, or at least way, way below the CM snark threshold? Mind you, I still think a good many of my colleagues would say I'm in need of Xanax, or several drinks, or something. I'm definitely calmer and more collected in writing.)

  8. I vote that Stella do a rebuttal for ever RGM posted. :) I love these!