Last week, she emailed all of us in the department that she had come up with a great new policy this quarter (we don't start school until mid-September) and wanted to share this with us so that we, too, could benefit from this great new idea of her. Her great new idea: to include her office hours in her syllabus so students would know when to expect her in her office. I wanted to say: "No, shit? If you bothered to look at the list of required items for your syllabus, you'd see that this isn't a new innovation; it's a requirement that we've had for years. You didn't invent it. In fact, by suggesting this, you merely show your ignorance." Instead of saying it, I thought it. Having somewhat learned my lesson about thinking before I act, I refrained from emailing her back what I was thinking.
When she heard that I am in the process of copying handouts (sample syllabi & college policies on course placement, such as what we do with AP scores and how we determine whether students in developmental courses can move out of that sequence) this week/end for an informational session for new profs to orient them to the requirements for GE courses with common texts and shared SLOs, she slinked over to my office and asked if she could come speak to the new folk.
"I have so many ideas that I just know they would find useful because I wish someone had told them to me when I was new. It would have saved me so much time, but I learned these on my own and I know they'll be useful to others," she intoned. Oh, OK. So you're saying that when I did your orientation three years ago, I didn't do a good enough job. Go on. Tell me more.
"OK, what kinds of things do you have in mind?" I asked. I am immediately suspicious of someone volunteering to sit through a meeting she isn't required to attend three weeks before school starts. Yes, this is where my mind goes after 16 years in academia. Instead of being grateful that she wants to participate, I immediately go on guard.
She said: "Well, for one thing, I have found it very helpful to stay two or three chapters ahead of students so if they have any questions about tomorrow's reading assignments, I can answer those or preview that information to raise interesting in class." Um... OK... You should actually stay more than two to three chapters ahead of students and have read the whole fucking novel, you stupid, stupid... OK, stop. Stop. STOP. Let her talk. Wait, did I say that out loud? Nope... still thinking.
And then she said, "I also think it's really important for professors to give students their email address so that the students can email them if they have any questions. Last year I wrote my email address on the board and students emailed me all kinds of questions that they didn't ask in class." OK, again, this is standard policy to include your work email in your syllabus. Plus, did you know that they can also contact you through the LMS and that you should be communicating with them through that, too? I'd like mine to STOP emailing me, actually.
Her voice always grates on me. She intones in this professorial know-it-all voice that feels like I'm chewing sandy kale. Is she still talking? Why am I just nodding? Say something! STOP HER!
And her final bit of wisdom (I'm sure there was more, but I stopped her here) was to suggest that new faculty start working on research early in the quarter because once papers come in, it'll be really hard to get research rolling. This is someone who, in three years, has talked a good game about researching, but has only published one document in three years: her dissertation... and I use the word "published" liberally here because really, a dissertation is published, but it's not like she got a book deal or anything and "published" it for real. Since her dissertation was completed, she has yet to do anything but talk about doing research.
The two new people we have hired come with excellent records of ongoing research (we learned our lesson when we hired Patronizing Insufferable Know-it-All Colleague who hadn't done anything). I can just imagine these people with several major publications to their names looking at her with the same amount of disdain I am sure I have mirrored on my face...
So, before I do something like turn down her help, what would you do? Would you allow her to come to the meeting so the new people know what kind of a colleague she will likely be? I could give her five minutes of time. Or do I save her the embarrassment because that would be kind and would also save us from sitting through five minutes of her useless advice?
Please do not inflict her on the new people, who are tired, bored, and behind in their class prep already. It's a long time since I was new at an institution, but patronizing idiots telling me how to double click the Firefox icon to open the class website did not improve my enthusiasm when I was.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely not! Do not let such a person come anywhere near the new research powerhouses, or they'll begin to wonder what kind of place they find themselves in, that hires people like her.
ReplyDeleteThere will be plenty of faculty meetings for her to embarrass herself. And someone has to staff the stupid committees.
Are you tenured? I'm assuming so because you are 16 years in.
ReplyDeleteIt's time for a "come to Jesus" talk with this woman. Because all along you should have been countering her idiocies with simple facts.
Her: I think we should all include office hours on our syllabi so students would know when to expect us in our offices!
You: That's already required. It's on the "list of required items for your syllabus".
Her: I have found it very helpful to stay two or three chapters ahead of students so if they have any questions about tomorrow's reading assignments, I can answer those or preview that information to raise interesting in class.
You: Most of the professors I know read the entire novel before attempting to discuss it with students. In fact they have often read it several times.
Her: I also think it's really important for professors to give students their email address so that the students can email them if they have any questions.
You: This is also a requirement for all syllabi. It's pretty common practice.
Her: I think new faculty should be advised to start working on research early in the quarter because once papers come in, it'll be really hard to get research rolling.
You: Everyone needs to do research. People that don't do research don't get tenure here. That sort of stuff is going to get sorted out in the review process with new hires. It's the kind of advice a chair needs to give.
If she doesn't bring up the idea of "helping" again, drop it. If she does, you need to tell her that most of what she's saying is pretty much obvious, or required already. So she won't be suggesting anything that people don't already know.
It sounds like what she's actually trying to do is make up for the fact that she's fucking up with her research by being "helpful" and "enthusiastic". If she can throw herself into everything somehow that will blot out the fact that she's not done much research-wise. Everyone will like her and want to keep her. This can actually work sometimes. Sometimes. As in, "No, you don't have a book but you are integral to our program, you do an enormous amount of service work, and everyone loves you." This has happened to a couple of people I know.
Unfortunately, this woman is also a moron, and probably no one likes her at all. So, like, is this person going to get tenure? She sounds like an idiot. How the fuck did you wind up with her?
You're probably right about the fact that she wants to weasel her way to tenure by volunteering to do things that make up for her lack of research. She is always the first to volunteer to bring snacks or food or to be a sponsor of a club or to plan the Christmas party, for example. She taught high school before returning to school for her Ph.D., and I suspect she doesn't quite understand that the Rank & Tenure Committee doesn't give a shit about those kinds of extra-curriculars if she doesn't produce what does count. Since she hasn't gone up against the committee for a promotion yet, I'm sure she will be quickly disabused of her ignorance when she gets their report that she hasn't completed the bare minimum of requirements to move up.
DeleteHow did we end up with her? Someone got sick, had to take extended medical leave, so we needed someone to fill in mid-quarter. She was available (someone in the dept. knew of her from church or from their kids playing together or something... and she was local, which is always a problem for us in a very rural area and she was working on her dissertation and looking for jobs in the areas we needed). So she was hired temporarily to cover classes. She seemed great at that. Then when the person she was covering for died, she ended up making a deal for a permanent job. I had no idea she was this much of a flake because we don't interact much. Her area of study (and what she teaches) is different from mine (despite being in the same department). She teaches in the early mornings (8, 9, 10 a.m.) and I opt for later in the day (that kind of thing), etc., but I'm fully aware of her now!
My chair did mention to me that we will likely need to schedule a brief reminder during our beginning-of-the-year meetings with EVERYONE just to make sure EVERYONE is up on policy and requirements when putting together a syllabus (for our accrediting body).
So maybe you could say that the chair is planning to cover the subjects she's mentioned in a meeting, and you don't want to duplicate?
DeleteI'd definitely keep her away from the new people for as long as possible (she'll probably seek some of them out individually and bother them anyway, but at least she won't look like an officially-sanctioned idiot).
And yes, she needs to hear, soon, officially, that she's not cutting it. In the meantime, maybe you could quietly slip a copy of one of Boice's books into her mailbox? With any luck, her helpfulness is, indeed, a sign of well-justified anxiety, and she'll find a better outlet for that (e.g. actually doing her research) soon.
So maybe you could say that the chair is planning to cover the subjects she's mentioned in a meeting, and you don't want to duplicate?
DeleteI'd definitely keep her away from the new people for as long as possible (she'll probably seek some of them out individually and bother them anyway, but at least she won't look like an officially-sanctioned idiot).
And yes, she needs to hear, soon, officially, that she's not cutting it. In the meantime, maybe you could quietly slip a copy of one of Boice's books into her mailbox? With any luck, her helpfulness is, indeed, a sign of well-justified anxiety, and she'll find a better outlet for that (e.g. actually doing her research) soon.
CC, who is Boice? I love reading advice about how to succeed in academia . . . makes me feel productive.
DeleteI love everything that Stella, Peter and Chiltepin said. Also, as was hinted at above, take her up on her enthusiasm to get her to volunteer for one of the horrible committees. Someone needs to point her in that kind of direction. A time wasting but required committee might be the only thing she can do well there.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this has to be about feelings and events that occurred in 1998. It's like some sort of Twilight Zone, but for standard teaching practices.
ReplyDeleteShe asked if she could come speak to the new folk.
ReplyDeleteThe appropriate answer you will give her: "No."
I know people like this. Heck, for a year or two, I underestimated the research requriements for my first job and I was like this. I focused my efforts on helping others make the department and university run more smoothly instead of doing my own research. How fucked up is that? In my own defense, it took me a LONG time to come down from some of those Grateful Dead concerts.
ReplyDeleteHere's how you diffuse the situation - see, I'm still trying to fucking help people, God save me. Don't invite her to the meeting. That would be death. Tell her to write all her suggesions down on paper and send them to you. It is a shame that the workshop doesn't have any time for an extra speaker so you will have to mention her ideas in between presentations and during breaks.
I know, it's a very passive approach but I'm simply worn out by obnoxious people like this. Better to move past them and focus on your own research. Don't let them drag you down.
For crying out loud, don't let this person near the new faculty. We had a similar one who clearly did not mean well: he clearly thought this was some kind of fraternity initiation, in which the new faculty should feel privileged to be tested by him to see how much stress they can take by heaping extra requirements on them. When I served as department Chair, I always had my staple gun ready for him.
ReplyDeleteI am having a really hard time picturing Beaker Ben in this role.
ReplyDeleteNow that I have tenure, I'd be tempted to just look this person in the face and say, "We're a serious institution here. All those things go without saying and are in our policy documents."
She's bound to a catastrophic end, and it is yours (and mine) duty as tenured faculty to help her get her ducks in a row. Junior faculty are trainees more than probationals, and sometimes they do not know how to train themselves. You -- or someone in a mentorship position towards her -- has to have a conversation ("come to Jesus" SS) with the poor kid, who clearly hasn't understood the game she's playing and is going to be squashed when she arrives for tenure.
ReplyDelete1. Tell her the department is likely to give her a negative or positive with strong reserves reappointment recommendation,
2. And that if something is not finished by third year it's going to be very hard to be accepted for publication by the time she turns in her dossier (for a book) or published (for articles). So the publish or perish is right now,
3. That she should start working a Plan B -- she should look at the market with the idea of migrating to another school and get a few more years of tenure track,
yet, at the same time
4. That you and everyone else in the department care for her and like her, and that you all are going to go the extra mile to save her ass.
5. Talk to the chair and have her take zero service.
6. Get her, if she's docile enough, a very proactive writing mentor-coach, almost a dissertation director.
7. Have someone with long teaching experience to go over her syllabus and her lesson plans and cut away anything that can be cut without detriment for the students: extra papers to be graded, extra-intermediate stages of papers to be annotated, unnecessary one-to-one interviews with the students, grading streamlining. Show her the research on the limited effect of faculty feedback,
8. Get her a carrel with a computer in the library, and have her make a weekly schedule that keeps her there -- no classwork allowed.
She's not UNaware of the expectations. She sits through meetings and receives all of the same correspondence that the rest of us do. Syllabi requirements and steps and requirements for our Rank & Tenure procedure are neither a secret nor a surprise. She, however, chooses to discount or ignore those things. I think her former life as a high school teacher allowed her to get away with some requirements.
DeleteI am not mentoring her because she seems to think that because she's ten years older than me, she has ten years worth of wisdom that I lack and that I should be mentored by her, but she is on the chair's radar now. And honestly, she's not open to mentorship or direction because she's too busy dishing out advice to others.
Tell her they are great ideas and she should put them all in a email then send it to your university president, and she should CC all the deans and the provost. When asked about it later, profess your innocence.
ReplyDeleteI like how you think!
DeleteHa!
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