Nice of you to come say hi. I hope you have plans to make good use of your zero-teaching semester, get some stuff written up. (You need more papers, you know.) What a fantastic coincidence for you, Prestigious Institute has a special year in your area; all the Guiding Lights will be there, plus the rising stars in your own cohort. And they've invited you, with support! What? You're not going? Did your wife get a job in town? Oh no, she's consulting from home...well, then. That's too bad. At least they have a couple of week-long workshops, when everybody in your area will be there. You should give a talk; these are the very people who will be writing letters for your tenure next year. What? Can't go to those either? You do have your kids (5 and 3 years old) enrolled in the U's child care, right? That's what I thought. Or maybe her parents could come visit for a while. Not this time? Sorry to hear that.
This isn't the first time you allude to your "family problem": the fact that your wife apparently declines to help you, to make minor sacrifices at a stage in your career when making connections, or just plain taking the time to think about stuff,
solve problems and write them up quickly are all crucial. If you don't get tenure here, where will you go? And yet I can't bring myself to say "you need to tell her this can't go on". Your family, your personal life. But look: since you got here, she already earned a second Masters' degree. Surely that's enough for now? Can't she give you a break and take the lion's share of child-rearing, just for a year? I'm all for both partners in a couple pursuing their own careers, but at least for now, you're the one who has the better chance of getting some job security. So what she's doing seems selfish to me, and it may come back to haunt you both. Is there anything I can do to help?
This isn't the first time you allude to your "family problem": the fact that your wife apparently declines to help you, to make minor sacrifices at a stage in your career when making connections, or just plain taking the time to think about stuff,
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| And that's on a good day. |
I'm sort of unclear why you're involved in his marriage. Isn't that for him to sort out?
ReplyDeleteI'm not involved, I just listen. He does bring it up often enough in conversation that I think it's a problem for him.
DeleteI will tell you right now that this is not the wife's fault. You don't know what she told him and you don't know if what he's telling you is the truth. Lots of people blame their spouses for not "letting" them do shit they don't want to do anyway. I don't ask my husband if I can do something important I want to do. Yet I often cite "family time" when I want to avoid doing something I don't.
ReplyDeleteWhy would he avoid this experience? Fear of failure. People self-sabotage all the time. If he's such a rising star, how come he hasn't published that much? Again, check if he's lying.
What's definitely true is that he is trying to win sympathy from you and get "credit" for these experiences without attending them. An "I'm dropping by to tell you how many people think how great I am" sort of visit. Followed by "Despite my greatness I cannot attend because of 'family time'."
Don't talk to him about his wife. That's none of your fucking business, and you don't even know if he's telling the truth, about anything. If you wish to see him succeed, tell him that to get tenure he's going to have to produce more scholarship. Period. Nothing to do with the wifey and kids. Just, "how's it going with your work? You're X years away from tenure and I'm concerned that you will not have enough done when the tenure process starts.
If he starts with the "B..but my wee ones..." bullshit, smile sympathetically, and say "Unfortunately the demands of a family don't eliminate the tenure requirements".
Be sure that this is actually the case, and that he can't "stop" the tenure clock or something for awhile, which is definitely possible at some universities when children are involved.
I was wondering about this, too. Yes, he may in fact have a demanding/narcissistic/lazy/unsupportive/whatever wife, or he may be making his wife a scapegoat for his own decisions, and she may quite sensibly be making fallback plans in case he doesn't get tenure; that theory could also explain one actual fact you have, which is that she has recently earned a second Master's degree. I suppose the existence of the children, and perhaps their enrollment at the child care center, are facts, too. And, as Stella points out, the tenure requirements (and the existence, or not, of adjustments to the tenure clock -- not the requirements -- for faculty with particular family responsibilities) are also facts. He's going to have to work within them, and that's all you can really say to him (or, for that matter, to a woman making similar arguments about either child-related responsibilities or spousal demands.*)
Delete*The only exception I can think of is if you think a faculty member of either gender is, in fact, in the grip of a genuinely abusive/controlling spouse. That's where MYOB stops being good practice. Domestic abuse does happen to men as well as women (with partners of either gender). If you think there's a chance of that being the case here, then do the same for the male faculty member as I hope you would do for the female: call the local domestic violence shelter/service, and ask them for advice. There's only so much you can do in such situations, but it's worth at least letting someone know that they -- and their kids -- have somewhere to go if/when they're ready to leave. This sort of exchange also might serve as a pretty effective wake-up call about how much he's projecting onto his spouse, but I still wouldn't try it unless you think there really might be a problem. Domestic violence (physical or emotional) is nothing to play around with.
Stella and Cassandra, no one is making the claim he is a "rising star"; certainly not him. But you're right: I have no way of knowing if he decided not to attend these events, for reasons unrelated to his family. I've tried to impress upon him that going to the workshops is important, and maybe he'll change his mind. Also, agree with you that he's trying to get sympathy from me (even if it's all true). There's no way to delay the tenure clock at this point.
DeleteThere's no indication whatsoever that domestic abuse is an issue here. (But then, I'm not trained to recognize non-obvious signs.)
How can this level of incredulity ("I will tell you right now that this is not the wife's fault. You don't know what she told him and you don't know if what he's telling you is the truth." and "Again, check if he's lying.") be coupled with this kind of definitive explanation: "What's definitely true is that he is trying to win sympathy from you and get "credit" for these experiences without attending them"?
DeleteQuestion the narrative, sure, but firmly replacing it with another doesn't make sense. He may be garnering sympathy, he may be dodging professional opportunities and using his family as an excuse, or he may be truly frustrated with a lousy spouse. Or he may have any other number of motives. We can't know, and projecting a seemingly plausible narrative won't fix that.
It sounds like he's just not that into you anymore, Peter K.
ReplyDeleteSorry for seeming flippant, but maybe he's making excuses and that his heart isn't in his job any longer. It's hard to tell, but I think you should just let him dictate the course of his life on his own.
DeleteYeah, and yet he seemed like such a good prospect (scientifically, that is). But indeed, maybe his heart is not in it anymore.
DeleteAgreeing with the chorus here, not the spouse's fault. Dude sounds feckless.
ReplyDeleteThis one is clearly the duck's fault. Fuck the duck.
ReplyDeleteWe all love the duck in our own way.
DeleteYou know what's weird? This is the story of many women married to men and/or taking care of their elderly parent(s). Nothing strikes me as "off" about this guy's story except that it's a man experiencing it from a woman.
ReplyDeleteAlso, residential fellowships de facto discriminate against people with kids, especially women, who mostly do the childcare that isn't covered by school or day care. Fine, whatever, we all make choices. But these fellowships do create a glass ceiling. I couldn't get away for a week-long workshop either, as my partner has health issues. I did wait for tenure to have a kid, though.
Only when men start to fail because of family obligations, I predict, will the university pay any attention to that oxymoron called work/life balance.
F&T, that's a good point: most of time this kind of thing happens to women. That was part of my goal here: men are not immune to this kind of pressure/conflict.
DeleteWe have two female assistant professors with small children, whose partners have non-academic research jobs (soft money). I wonder if they have similar problems (I don't know them socially), but in any case I'd expect their partners to take care of the children if they need to leave for a few days.
As for your last point, I don't know: if anything, our administrators (many of whom are women) seem especially interested in recruiting and retaining women for math TT positions. Men would face much greater credibility hurdles in trying to attribute lower than expected performance to family obligations.
This is a common scenario when the spouse is in denial that being a proffie ain't a 9-to-5 job. The alternative is to change jobs, or divorce; me and another guy are the only two 'non-new' profs left in the dept who are still married with kids, and the other guy is actively trying to find a satisfactory job outside of academia...
ReplyDeleteI agree with that: it's important to have a partner who understands the "not 9-to-5 thing", and that usually means someone with a similarly professional/creative pursuit. Otherwise, trouble is expected, and divorce a reasonable option.
DeleteHell's bells. I just spoke to the other guy. His marriage is in deep trouble. The extra time outside of 9-to-5 is giving him the grief, as his research requires him to travel a lot to collect data. It might just be me left soon.
DeleteI don't know who is at fault. None of us do. It might be the wife is not being supportive. It might be the proffie is a lazy douche using whatever excuse he can come up with. People deal with stress and lack of support in all kinds of ways. What would not stop some people (such as an unsupportive spouse) might be enough to keep another from succeeding.
ReplyDeleteWhat is most clear is that this is causing Peter K some misery, at least a little, or he would not have shared it here.
I for one find it annoying when people want to complain and then not fix the problem. I want to offer suggestions.
And I know that is annoying in a different way.
Good luck, Peter, trying not to let this guy's situation get you down.
Exactly, Bella. The source of misery is that he comes to me and complains, and yet since it's a personal matter I don't think I should come right out and say what I think: put your foot down and let her know it's your career and you don't get a second chance, so be supportive or move the hell out of the way.
DeleteAnd it's especially grating to me, since I lived a similar situation, and know how insidious it can be: the "frog-in-warm-water", "things will get better" optimism of new marriages. I had (post-tenure, thankfully) a completely unsupportive wife for a while, and it took a long time to take care of it. I didn't notice at the time, but I think it made a dent on my career. It makes a big difference to have someone who can be a realistic, critical sounding board, with relevant professional experience. I see this guy going through the same process, and I want to tell him: deal with it, even if it hurts. (Although maybe he shouldn't allow this kind of turbulence into his life so close to the tenure decision; it may be too late).
So he has a very sympathetic listener in you because of your own personal experience, and on some level, he knows it---he is reacting to that sympathy, probably enjoying it (who doesn't love a sympathetic ear?). That's why you keep hearing about it. I agree it probably would not be a good thing to begin offering personal advice to a collgeague----even among friends and family that kind of thing can blow up in your face. So, you need to endeavor to seem less sympathetic. Or just too busy. Or some combination of both. I tend to get myself into these kinds of patterns, too. While difficult to change the dynamic between you from one where he feels comfortable sharing about his dilemma (either real or perceived/invented) to one where he does NOT feel so comfortable/eager, you can do it. And only you know best how.
DeleteThanks, that's a good idea. I'll work on it.
DeleteI think my head is going to explode. How does any part of his getting tenure--any single tea-partying part of it--fall back to his wife in any way?
ReplyDeleteHas he helped further his wife's career or in any way made his wife's home life easier? Has he made "minor sacrifices at a stage in [her] career when making connections, or just plain taking the time to think about stuff, [and] solve problems...are all crucial" to HER tea-partying career?
And if he can't handle being a husband and father while attempting to secure tenure, he should have refrained from getting married and/or refrained from having children and/or sought another career path.
Jesus Horatio Christ.