Sunday, September 8, 2013

Drinking Makes it Seem Less Bad

Cal spent half a day looking
for a PG-rated "nipple clamp"
photo. He did not succeed.
Maybelle has had a few. We're good. It makes this so much easier to explain/type/confess.

The job search this week has turned .... bemusing. I've applied for enough out-of-academia jobs to get used to the random/inane/ridiculous "assignments," "tests," and "assessments" they throw at me to accomplish before the interview.

This one. Takes the cake.

The company wants me to research a product they sell and compare it to several national brands. Say what they do well. Say what Joe and Jane Competitor do better. Sure. I can do that. I can tell you how Swamps and Bogs would enhance your company's landscaping too, but ... no one outside of academia cares about my love of Swamps and Bogs.

No big deal. Right?

Oh. See. The "product" is ... well ... after a bit of online research, I realize this company sells ... *cough* adult novelties. I'm researching something related to these novelties, but ... it is very, very clear that if I get this job I'll be selling dildos, vibrators, and nipple rings along with this more benign product I'm being asked to research and compare this weekend.

I wonder if they'll ask me to try out new products at the office or if I'll get to take them home?


  1. Cal, if you need some photos, you know who to ask. Just sayin'.

  2. This sounds like the kind of part time job that college students would love to do in between classwork and drinking all that Miller Lite.

  3. Sounds like a good thing to lord over colleagues back in academia. All they get is free textbooks!

    1. Yeah, are you worried that having this job on your vitae would hurt your chances of future hiring in academia?

      1. Don't put it on your vitae.
      2. If it ever did come up in an interview ("What were you doing during 2013-14?"), you could say you took a ....

      Fuck it. I can't come up with any phrasing that doesn't make me snicker.

      Took a position in sales . . .
      Did a job . . .
      Explored the private sector for a while . . .

    2. I know how to please customers.
      My customers are always satisfied with my work.
      I know how to service a wide variety of clients.

  4. Hey, if you're not going to take the job, hit me up. My and my gal could use the employee discount!

  5. I'd say take the interview process as far as you can (within proper HR-approved bounds, of course), if only because it will give you a wonderful story to tell in other job interviews for the rest of your life.

    I'd definitely feel the need to investigate a bit more closely than I otherwise would what this workplace would be like, and what your work would entail, but really, I can think of far worse products to be hawking (cigarettes, mortgage derivatives, unhealthy food, expensive pharmaceuticals with dubious benefits. . . . .). Heck, you can buy a variety of "sexual aids" from the Vermont Country Store these days (maybe a useful addition to your market research? I can't wait to see what that link does to the ads in the sidebar).

    1. So far, it's offering me a Ph.D. (which I've already got, thank you) and a vehicle about 3 times bigger than I need.

    2. "I can't wait to see what that link does to the ads in the sidebar."

      I think we broke Google AdSense. All I see are blue boxes.

      Oh . . . wait. . . I get it now.

  6. I originally wrote "nipple clamps," but I see Cal has attempted to spare us from pornographic spam bots.

  7. I doubt it's a reference to a blue waffle. Someone mind explaining?