The first sign of trouble was one day last year when it jammed very badly. I removed the offending sheet, and I swear that sheet of paper looked just like a giant version of Cookie Monster had "tasted" it. I was unnerved, and reluctant to put my hand in there to unjam it next time. I talked the departmental secretary into helping me. She is now retired. :)
Next, I suspected it was able to identify faculty members by their copier access codes. For months is refused to let me send it copy jobs from my office computer. Finally I had to send them to the secretary (the replacement for the one who retired). She would use my copier code and it would jam or swear that the copies were not the right size for the available paper (it lies). She retired, too. :) I think it nipped at her. Left on my own, I tried printing out a master copy in my office and getting the copy machine to scan and print it. It ate my master copy, then claimed that the scanner was jammed.
If I sent my grad student to try making copies, he would be gone for an inordinate amount of time but would return with very good, stapled copies. I remain suspicious as to how he made those copies. He is gone, too ... as are all the bandages in the workroom first aid kit.
Things got interesting when it figured out how to connect my copier id to my course schedule. Once it knew my course schedules, it would print and copy just fine ... until five minutes before my next class was due to start. It then began to randomize how many pages it copied before it put a staple in. If I entered the faculty workroom during this time and made a disparaging comment about its performance, it began to randomly add blank sheets to my copies. The closer it got to class time, the more randomized its behavior became. Five pages, staple; four pages, blank page, blank page, staple; three pages, blank page, repeat two pages, staple ... and so forth.
Soon our copy machine learned how to activate the jam sensor without an actual jam being present, presenting an unsolvable problem: how do you unjam a copier that isn't jammed?
Fellow academics, how do I make peace with a sentient, deceitful, mean-spirited copy machine that has evolved teeth?
Human sacrifice.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure all those secretaries retired? Maybe they were offered up to the maw of the beast, but it's not satisfied. It got greedy. It wants more. It wants--YOU!
Well said, Dr. Magnus. This is my experience exactly. Even the machinery of higher ed is turning against us.
ReplyDeleteWe have nicknamed our copier Darth Vader. I myself go to Kinko's. (Yes, I know it's not called that anymore...shame on FedEx.)
ReplyDeleteGoogle "Paul Bunyan and the Photocopier". The audio version available on EscapePod is very good.
ReplyDeleteWe apease ours by kicking it. It seems to like that a lot.
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes, for fun, we break off a part. That sends it right into submissive mode.
DeleteWe had one that took up nearly a 10-foot section of wall: the Frankencopier. It jammed regularly, and usually the person who caused the jam would just sneak off, and I was often the one who discovered it.
ReplyDeleteI got tired of writing notices a couple of times a week, so I made a sign to put on it in faux-German from IBM thing: "ACHTUNG! DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER GEFINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN! ODERWISE IST EASY TO SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKSEN.
IST NICHT FÜR GEWERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDER IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.
ZO RELAXEN UND WATSCHEN DER BLINKENLICHTEN." Underneath all of that was a screenshot from the movie Office Space, when Peter has taken Samir and Michael out to a field with their nemesis, the printer that never worked right.
Good times.
That is hilarious!
Delete+1.
DeleteChrome, that really cracked me up!
http://m.youtube.com/index?&desktop_uri=%2F#/watch?v=b8DWXKpd59Y
ReplyDeleteSpeaking as a former copier technician, it's your own fault if you wait until just before class to run the copies. Your air of frantic-ness activates the "Crisis Sensor," and the "Crisis Circuit" creates a problem proportional to your level of desperation.
ReplyDeleteAt for unjamming a copier that isn't jammed, something is interfering with a paper sensor (scrap of paper, staple, ball of dust) or the sensor has gotten pushed out of position. Call for service. And never let the bean counters buy a machine without a service contract.
This graphic absolutely rocks.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, is the page format NEVER going to change again? Have we complained one too many times?
I confess I grew to like the constant changing, and I assumed Cal enjoyed when people bitched just so he could fuck them over and change it again.
Cal, are you all right? Should I call you a doctor? Sometimes it helps to break the tablets in half.
This, of course, is a reason to like Blackholeboard, since it allows one to evade the copier. Of course, Blackholeboard, or perhaps the campus servers, appear to have crisis sensors, too, since the connection invariably slows to a crawl, and/or the LMS goes down completely, just when you need to get six things up before class starts in five minutes.
ReplyDelete