Slimey Sam: I can’t believe I was stupid enough to go to your presentation on “My Porn Addiction Revealed as Research on Hamster Art” It’s great to finally be able to understand why you spend all those hours huddled in front of your pc in your darkened office. Thanks for not sharing the pictures.
Lazy Lisa: Every year you co-lead projects on Teaching and Learning about Hamsters and appear to be doing ALL the work, while your co-leader appears to be doing nothing. Guess what? We’re all smart enough to know you ALWAYS take credit for your co-leader’s work so that’s why every year you need a new co-leader because everyone knows you are the laziest person on the planet.
Idiot Ian: Hey I saw you grilling my gradflake in the hallway, trying to find out what my current research is all about. Go for it. You don’t know how to do research and you won’t be able to publish from my work, even if I gave you a file with all my data in it.
Flirty Fiona: Can you hike your short skirt any higher? No? Don’t worry about it, honey. You know that Silverbeard you’re trying to turn on, so he’ll put you on his project? He’s gay. He was asking me how come you hadn’t figured it out. Should I tell him you’re just stupid, or will you?
Negative Ned: You know how everyone keeps asking you when you’re going to slow down a bit? Even though you’re not exactly a busy bee? Here’s the thing. Everything we suggest, you knock down, because you’re “sure it won’t work.” You’ve been here TOO darn long, and we need you to retire NOW.
Consulting Carly: If you moan one more time about not having time to "do research", I'm going to have to slap you. You don't have time to do research because you are always taking on extra, highly paid consulting work. I don't mind you earning more money consulting in a month than I earn from my regular job all year, I just mind your moaning about the time it takes away from your so-called "research".
Sabbatical Stan: We’ve been SO looking forward to you being NOT HERE during your sabbatical. Why oh WHY are you still here? Yes I know that you don’t really do research and all your publications are stolen from your gradflakes so you are here trying to steal.. um I mean help your gradflakes write your..um I mean their papers. Can I buy you a plane ticket to anyplace stupid enough to host you on your sabbatical? Please?