Tuesday, October 1, 2013

If It's Kimmie, Then You Know She Won't Be Satisfied Until She's Answered Some of the Great Unanswerables.

Oh why.

Why do we start out young and grow old, when the other way would be more fun? Why can't students buy a $3 stapler when they have a $300 phone?

What is the sound of one hand clapping, and why can I hear that soccer player's balls slapping against his thigh when he comes to class straight out of bed without a cup, underwear, ad nauseum, heavy on the nausea?

Why is there something rather than nothing, and why does Betty Boop the sophomore think I don't remember how she called me a witch when she was a freshman?

Why did God punish Walt but not Jesse, and why do my students know more about TV than I do? (I mean, I try to keep up.)

Why do birds fly and rats scurry, and why didn't my colleague with the bad breath get born as a rat instead of as my colleague?

Why does the water in the ocean not shoot up into the sky with all the revolving we do? Why was I born with this straight fucking hair when I'd give anything to have it curly?

15 comments:

  1. You didn't put a spoiler before the stuff about Walt and Jesse!

    Are you channeling the long lost Darla, just a bit?

    Nice to see you regular, Kimmie...

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  2. I can't get the sound of balls slapping out of my head now. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

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  3. Seriously, what the hell. I can't watch that finale until Sunday. I've been avoiding spoilers like the plague. Where is the common courtesy of a spoiler alert??

    :(

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  4. I don't watch BB, but you all seem to have very clear ideas of what God's punishment entails. Now I'm curious about the show in which that could be a spoiler.

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  5. > Why do we start out young and grow old, when the other way would be more fun?

    That's easy, Kimmie. Because of the Second Law of Thermodynamics, that's why.


    > Why can't students buy a $3 stapler when they have a $300 phone?

    Oh, mine do, once I start STAPLING DICKS TO THE FLOOR. (Muua-ha-HA!!!)


    > What is the sound of one hand clapping (etc.)

    Oh, yuck, Kimmie.


    > Why is there something rather than nothing...

    That's easy, Kimmie. Because the Big Bang happened, that's why.


    > ...and why does Betty Boop the sophomore think I don't remember how
    > she called me a witch when she was a freshman?

    Because she's stupid, that's why. The profound stupidity of modern students amazes me. Some of them are barely above domestic animals.

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    1. Great answers, Frod. Now what about "Why does the water in the ocean not shoot up into the sky with all the revolving we do?" If anyone here can answer this, it's you.

      Also, why didn't I think of this question before?

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    2. That's easy, Proffie. It's because the force of gravity at Earth's surface is much greater than the centrifugal force of Earth's motion at Earth's surface.

      I have just committed a no-no, however: I just mentioned centrifugal force! For over 50 years, education professionals have been telling us physics proffies that our students can't understand this concept. Centrifugal force seems easy enough to understand, though, since it's what makes you go "Waaayyy!" as you involuntarily lean sideways as a seat-belted kid in your car as your Dad makes a sharp left turn. Richard Feynman made fun of how education professionals insist that students can't understand it in The Feyman Lectures on Physics, which were given in the '62-'63 school year.

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    3. I'm pretty sure my cat is more intelligent than most of my students

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    4. Excuse to post my favorite comic ever:

      http://xkcd.com/123/

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    5. Ah yes, this wasn't the first time Goldfinger said that when showing off interesting physics. The previous time, as Proffie will know, he had a laser, "a light not present in nature."

      And as far as cats go: my cat certainly is more intelligent than most students. He actually does something useful: instead of dead mice and birds, he brings me bottles of Scotch.

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    6. Thanks, Frod, and I have two reactions.

      1. Dumth.

      2. Thanks for clarifying that it IS centrifugal and not centripetal force. I argued with Sister Mary Vagueness about that for a week in seventh grade. The water in the bucket going around the gym teacher's head was being pushed out towards the bottom of the bucket (centrifugal) more than it was pushed in by the bucket bottom (centripetal). Did I have it right?

      @ Three Sigma, fantastic comic strip! I have flagged xkcd for future Sunday comics posts.

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  6. I was always told that I wasn't supposed to mention centrifugal force because it's not a force: it's inertia. But then, I also happily use anthropomorphism when talking about chemistry, so what do I know?

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  7. I'll trade hair with you. Mine's curly, and I always wanted straight.
    ACA, I'm sure my cat is smarter than some of my students. Not the one who can't figure out the treat ball (she calls to the treats; they don't come out), maybe, but certainly the one who can turn doorknobs and let herself out.

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    2. Point well taken! I've had more than one student who couldn't figure out a doorknob. One has particular trouble getting into an old building that had a front doorknob that rotated counterclockwise, instead of the usual clockwise.

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