Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Train Ride Misery From Conan the Grammarian. A New Playlet.

I commute to school. It sucks. Like, bamboo-under-your-fingernails sucks. And this fellow and his idiotic friend decided to make this (very early) morning's ride that much more miserable. By talking. And what's worse is that they go to the same school as me. Now let's get one thing clear: 90% of why I was angered was merely that they were talking at all. How dare they socialize while I'm trying to space out? How fucking dare they? The remaining ten percent was caused thusly:

Hugh Suk: (magna voce) So I'm taking this retarded history course.

New front runner for
worst graphic ever.
Me: (mentally) Let us all bow our heads and pray the Ungrateful Douchebag's prayer. O, Lord guide mine words that I may properly castigate this Douchebag. Open thou mine hands that I may lay them upon him with righteous swiftness. Order thou mine feet that they may fly sure and true into his rear. Amen.

Colin Crony: Yeah, sucks.

Hugh: Yeah, and I'm a history major so I have to take it. But what he has us read has nothing to do with history.

Me: You're probably wrong.

Hugh: The first book we read was about some village in India.

Me: Just as I suspected.

Hugh: And I'm just like... I took this class to learn history, not to learn about some people that lived a while ago.

Me: Are... is this... are you satirizing stupid people?

Hugh: And I told him in class when he asked us what we thought. I said it had nothing to do with history.

Me: Death. Death upon you and your son and his son. Plague. Infestation upon your lands for your impertinent idiocy, Hugh. PLAGUE!

Hugh: And this other kid was defending them. (Nerd impression) "I thought the readings were useful and that they WERE about history."

Me: Good on him. Also, Plague! Plague upon you for mocking someone for expressing their opinion just as you did! Plague! Locusts! A blight upon your land!

Hugh, I damn thee to Hell.


  1. Never mind the plague, Conan, it's too contagious. What you need is a hand phaser, set on "vaporize." That would take care of those two peckerheads right quick. The vapor will leave a bad smell, but it'll go away if you open a window.

    I ride my bicycle to school. I've only been knocked off by trucks twice.

  2. Instantaneous vaporization is too good for people like that.

  3. "Hugh: And I'm just like... I took this class to learn history, not to learn about some people that lived a while ago."

    I laughed so hard, Conan. Thanks for this.

    I commute, too, and while I'm more or less used to it now, it can definitely suck donkey balls.

    Finally: you have a great screen name.



  4. Hugh Suk thinks he's broadcasting that he's cool and has no idea he's conveying the exact opposite.

    Does your train have a Quiet Car? Mine does. No cell phone use or loud conversations allowed. It's heavenly.

    1. Quiet cars rock. Or, rather, they don't rock, except physically. In any case, they're excellent work environments. If I had a big project to finish that didn't require too many physical research materials, and too many distractions at home, I'd be more than half-tempted to buy a long-distance Amtrak ticket.

  5. Many years ago, as a returning student, I was on the way home from work and the train stopped at the station that serviced my urban campus. A young lady and a young man got on and sat in the seat in front of me. I suspect she might have been a TA, because she continued the conversation they'd been having with, ". . . but the students don't like essay questions because they feel they're being graded on their writing skills, rather than their knowledge of the subject."

    I went through a brief struggle ("Must........restrain.........hand!") because I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say, "Well hell, lady. By the time someone gets to college they should be able to string two or three coherent sentences together! They don't like essay questions because their odds are better with multiple guess questions."