Sarcasm Is Wasted On the Stupid. A New RYS Playlet. "Charlie Must Be So Stoned!"
Me: So it's a coincidence that you wrote down the exact same 10 wrong (at best) to nonsensical answers as the girl in front of you?
Cheating Charlie: I studied so hard.
Me: This test was a gimmie - I even gave you a review sheet. If you studied for 10 minutes, you should have aced it, or at least known what some of the words meant.
Cheating Charlie: I did - I swear - you can even call my mom [attempts to hand me a phone].
Me: [jaw dropped - long pause] Ok, then why don't you tell me right now what your answer to question 1 was.
Cheating Charlie: [bats eyes - like a cow covered in flies]
Me: It's literally impossible for you to both have come up with these answers, and since she spelled the words correctly, I think she was just guessing and you were looking over her shoulder unable to make out the right letters.
Cheating Charlie: [bats eyes, which are now starting to mist]
Me: So at this point, the Dean has it and it's out of my hands.
Cheating Charlie: OK, yeah I did copy, but you don't understand. I studied so hard and I just wanted to do really well on your test.
Me: If you'd studied at all, let alone "so hard", you'd know she didn't study at all and you wouldn't have bothered to copy this crap.
Cheating Charlie: So I get an F for the term?
Me: That's the school policy. I announced it while you were taking the exam. You looked right at me when I said it, which should have been the sign that it was time to take your test from you right then and there, but I thought maybe you'd rethink it and do the right thing. So don't pretend you don't know what's going to happen to you.
Cheating Charlie: But what about the three strikes thing?
Me: [batting eyes - furrowing brow]
Cheating Charlie: The three strikes thing. This is my third time, so I'll get expelled if you turn me in.
Me: Your THIRD time!!??!!!
Cheating Charlie: Yeah, so you can't turn it in or they'll kick me out.
Me: Well, God knows I wouldn't want a three time cheat to have to suffer the negative consequences of his actions.
Cheating Charlie: [relieved] Oh, Good! That's a load off my mind.
One of the great things about teaching mathematics is that one can calculate the odds that their answers turned out exactly like their neighbors' purely by chance quite precisely. But then, with 26 letters in the alphabet, one can do that with any kind of writing: it's the old monkeys-at-the-typewriters exercise.
ReplyDeleteSomething that always dismays me is whenever a student gets an exam score that's substantially lower than by random chance. Remember, kids: these are the people who will inherit the world, when we're done!
Ah yes. The "Lucy Harris Gambit" always works.
ReplyDelete