So I'm sitting here thinking about composing a nice little essay about my Snowflakes and their general cluelessness and their sense of entitlement and their parents and...what the heck, let's just have a little smackdown.
Pleading Paula: You started your email with, "Dr. Athena, I know the syllabus says that there are no makeups on the exams after the rest of the class have taken them, but..." You could have left off the but. You forgot we had an exam and didn't show up. Your scholarship status is irrelevant to this conversation. Put on your big girl panties and deal with your zero.
Longshot Louie: Your wording isn't quite right. You don't need a C to get into your professional program. You need a C to be eligible to apply to your professional program. Given the number of your peers who will be applying to the same program after earning As and Bs in this class, which is a much larger number than the number of slots available, you're not getting in anyway.
Makeup Mitchie: No, there are no opportunities for extra credit. Even if I didn't think it would be horribly unfair to the students who actually learned the material, I don't get paid enough to spend my time inventing and grading worky-work projects for you (and 40 other whiners) to do so that you can earn a passing grade, in a class where you haven't learned enough to go on. You'd just fail the second half of the course next Spring anyway. I've spent about 100 hours this semester preparing, administering and grading opportunities for credit. They're called "exams." Oh, and they have an expiration date, and it's way past.
Casual Carla: How sweet that you want to go home early and surprise your parents. (Won't they be surprised, you missing three extra days of classes to extend your break.) And how thoughtful of you to let me know that you will therefore be missing both the Monday before *and* the Monday after Thanksgiving. Mmm, no, I don't really feel like taking the time to email back with a list of what you will be missing. If you miss class, then it's your responsibility to get notes from a classmate. School is in session, I have to be here, I'm teaching the class once and that's it. Have a nice trip.
Tits McGee: Pull up your goddamn pants. We're tired of your buttcrack. Actually, come to think, we're tired of your boobs and your midriff too.