"Dr. John Smith, Ph.D."
Not just John Smith, Ph.D.
Doctor John Fucking Smith, Ph.D.
Not just thirsty.
Thirsty for some kind of liquid to go down my throat.
Oddly enough, I'm probably not thirsty for dry, hot dirt.
Oh, on the other hand, shit, maybe I am actually thirsty for that goddamned dry, hot dirt.
Yes, shove that dry, hot dirt down my throat.
Because I'm Dr. John Smith, Ph.D.
What kind of rainbow am I?
ReplyDeleteI'm a colorful rainbow.
Why the title "doctor" or "professor?" Why not "overlord," "guardian." "warden," "supreme commander," "master," "grand master," "field marshal," "grand marshal," "arch demon," or any other titles that convey power, knowledge, and authority? I wouldn't mess with Overlord John Smith, Ph.D or Supreme Commander Yaro.
ReplyDeleteOh, poo. I left a period instead of a comma after "guardian." Blogger needs a revision tool for commenters.
DeleteAs Amnesty International will tell you, the proper way to address a dictator is "Your Excellency." (Note the capital letters.)
DeleteI prefer ExChequer Direct Superlative. Let 'em look it up.
DeleteBut another southerner, Doctor John, doesn't have a Ph.D. and is still cool. Whenever he's at the right place, but at the wrong time...
ReplyDeletehe's still looking for that surgery, though....
ReplyDeleteMany years ago we had a friend who was so obsessed with his Dr. title that he made sure it was in the phone book.
ReplyDeleteSo one night at 3am at a party we called him up quite distraught because our "baby was really sick and we needed his help". It took him forever to convince us he wasn't a medical doctor. Good fun.
We never told him what we did. He probably still tells that story too.
Doktor Doktor Associate Professor...not quite Doktor Doktor Ordinarius Professor. Now, that's a title.
ReplyDeleteHerr/Dame Doktor Doktor Associate Professor. Mustn't forget every single part of the title.
DeleteDoctor? Doctor Who?
ReplyDeleteI was never sensitive about this until I had an experience two years ago. I was working on a problem in Hohmann transfer on my whiteboard. A student came in with questions about homework and this and that, and she asked me what was on my whiteboard. I said it was a Hohmann transfer, the most energy efficient way of moving from one orbit to another, and its the way you would move something from Earth to Mars for example. And she said (emphasis hers):
ReplyDelete"What would you know about any of that? You're just a physics teacher!"
I explain that I am a physicIST and that I hold a Ph. D. which makes me a doctor. I was awarded that Ph. D. for original (albeit obscure) scientific research and that the state government officially recognizes me as a scientific expert.
This is the most striking anecdote I have to illustrate that the students at my university think it's an extension of high school. They literally do not know what we are, they seem to think that we get all of our knowledge out of the teacher's edition of the textbook or something.
YES! They DO think that. Once when I was saying that I'd worked for hours on the syllabus and in designing the course, the students asked why I hadn't just copied the syllabus out of the back of the book (like answers at the back of a teacher's textbook). They genuinely had no idea that we design our own courses and curricula.
DeleteA snappy comeback to this is, "I'm not as stupid as you think I am!"
DeleteBut then, this is easier for me, since I'm an astronomer. That I am an oddity is more readily apparent, one reason being the hours I keep. The price I pay for it is that I get all the U.F.O. reports, and all the meteorwrongs.
(Meteorwrongs are rocks that unskilled people think are meteorites. They bring them to me to identify them. Almost always, they're pieces of slag from steelmaking, or hematite concretions, or some other kind of iron ore. Never once have I been presented with a genuine meteorite. A genuine expert on meteorites I know says he's received 8 genuine meteorites from over 2000 finds.)
Doctor, it hurts when I do *this*.
ReplyDeleteThen do that continuously until it stops hurting.
DeleteOne of the great joys of having a Ph.D. is practicing medicine without a license. But then, Kurt Vonnegut pointed out in "Player Piano" that most Americans regard anyone who isn't a physician, psychiatrist, or veterinarian and still calls oneself "doctor" as a fraud.
DeleteIn my experience people who put ",Ph.D" after their names always end up having a Ph.D in Education, which just makes me laugh. And then I realize that high schools are run by, and educational policies designed by, people with PhDs in Education. Then I weep and vomit.
ReplyDeleteThere are people in my neck of the woods who put M.A.T. after their names.
ReplyDeleteSomeday somebody else besides me will call me by my stage name; they will call me Dr. Worm.
ReplyDeleteGood morning! How are you? I'm Dr. Worm. I'm interested in things. I'm not a real doctor but I am a real worm.
When I give the signal, my friend
DeleteRabbi Vole will pay the solo