Safe Bets of the Semester! From the Tuba-Playing Prof.

Please add yours.

What are the odds that:

• the colleague generally renowned for being the harshest instructor about students arriving late for class is the one always late for department meetings?
• the most pedantic colleague sends out weekly emails with several grammatical errors?
• the four colleagues who vehemently deny that a core faculty exists compose the core faculty?
• the least effective teachers—in all measures—become the core faculty, thereby determining content, focus, grading standards, etc. for all courses and other teachers?
• the student awards go to the students who impressed the core faculty only?
• two months into the year clearly the new chair who promised a “clean slate,” has the same impressions of the department members because the outgoing chair trained him?
• the “core faculty” in charge who teach only senior-level classes complain in every department meeting about the lack of preparation and “basic knowledge” of the majors? Consequently, what are the odds that they institute more stringent, arbitrary polices and require horribly time-consuming reports and “pedagogical reflections” to burden the over-worked and under-paid adjuncts?
• the surly, prickly, moody leader of the core faculty goes out of her way to wish every one a cheery “good morning” three days before she officially applies for promotion?
• the two junior colleagues who are the (current) favorites of the core faculty are “rock-star” teachers with impressive, important scholarly projects while the two junior colleagues who are effective and popular teachers and publishing scholars are “problematic” because of the dangerously vague argument of “fit?”
• the core faculty—in all seriousness—point out evidence every chance it gets to confirm that it is not guilty of “confirmation bias” in tenure decisions?
• the student pleading for an override mentions work and/family when an instructor points out the 8:00 sections of the course are wide open?
• the student who needs to be reminded each week about the class policy on texting announces that she’s missing all of next week for a Disney cruise?
• the student who knowingly signs up for the two classes out of her major drops both just after the drop/add week, thereby taking two seats away from majors who legitimately needed the classes?
• the a-hole who inappropriately blunts out whatever is on his mind is the one student offended by an innocent, playful comment (that his classmates agreed wasn’t personal or mocking)?
• the three students who argued that absences due to homecoming-float building MUST be excused fail to understand that while being a brother in a frat can be a noble, positive part of college, college students must be enrolled in college to be members of campus organizations?
• a student likely to fail Course One misses class so she can register for next semester’s class, so she can be sure to get into the one section of Course Two “Dr. Popular and Fun” is teaching?
• the advisee who needed to see an academic advisor to avoid making a huge mistake scheduling prerequisite courses waits until the day after his graduation application has been denied to schedule an appointment?
• the student who asks for a second chance to “get things right” will need to ask for a third chance?
• the student who fails to turn in any assignments offers only one comment then entire semester: “my friends taking class with “Dr. Popular and Fun” don’t have to do that?”
• the student who announces in his 11:00 class that he has never taken a class so early in the day falls asleep every day by 11:15?
• the two students who have yet to miss a class are the first two to arrive for the 8:00 am class on the Friday after Halloween?
• the students who ask questions in class and take advantage of office hours to talk about the essay assignments are the students who earn the highest grades?
• the students/advisees who heeded the advice to couple their majors with minors, who worked hard, who gave up summers and leisure time for internships, and who took a chance wind up with jobs?
• an email or greeting card with good news and/or kind words from a former student who reminds an instructor of the best parts of the job arrives always—no matter when in the semester and no matter what is happening—just at the right time?