Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Conan the Grammarian Goes All Out With a Story About a Staple!

This was my first summer in a while without College Misery. I want to tell you a story about some of the nonsense I encountered in my summer internship!

My single biggest contribution to the company I interned at over the Summer was not cold-calling potential applicants, it was not helping to revamp their succession planning. It was First Aid-related. I administered triage after a work-related incident. They gave me a fifty dollar WaWa gift card! Yes!

The long story short is that I was in a meeting and, upon hearing a succession of loud and unpleasant noises, everyone rushed out to see what was going on at reception. The first thing we saw was blood in various places. One person fainted (hitting her head in the process, because we needed more things to deal with, obviously), another person had third degree burns, and yet another person had a staple in their forehead. There was also a person whose arm was gashed pretty badly.

My immediate contribution to the scene was to tell the person trying to remove the staple "Oh my God, stop, what the fuck do you think you're doing, Jesus Christ, stop that, don't take it out, don't touch it, get away, Oh my God."

Fortunately, the company was loosely involved with health care and there were people nearby who knew first aid better than I. I got to deal with the lovely aftermath, which was just as fun. It wasn't too terrible because, ironically, literally everyone involved and everyone who had witnessed the event swore that it was all just a series of incredibly unfortunate accidents. Here's what happened, from what I can gather.

The Magic Stapler Incident

1: Person A walks into the reception area carrying a cup of coffee that they, conveniently, had just microwaved to McDonald's suing temperatures. This is a result of their not really understanding how things like microwaves, electricity, mugs, heat, and liquids work.

2: Person B stands in reception talking to the recptionist; we'll get back to them in a minute.

3: Person C, while proofreading a document, takes said document from their office to the reception desk to staple it (their stapler was non-functional; this was verified later).

4: ????????????

5: Person C somehow bumped into Person A while in the act of stapling.

6: ????????????

7: The stapler goes... flying... upward? And... hits Person B in the head, stapling him. It then hit the receptionist's army, making the gash. The coffee, meanwhile, is all over Person C's torso. It does what hot liquids are wont to do and burns him.

What "Actually" Happened (In Conan's Mind)

1: "Hey guys, wanna have a stapler-coffee fight?"

"Sure! Let me just go back and make sure the coffee is extra hot!"

2: Havoc ensues.


  1. Wow, College Misery is really back. This is so nutty!!

  2. Conan, talk to Oliver Stone. He'll make this into the greatest conspiracy movie since his last conspiracy movie. You'll be rich!

  3. This is what happens when snowflakes finally graduate, and enter the workforce not ever having learned how to safely handle, or clear a jam in, or replace staples in, a stapler throughout their 12 (or more if they went to grad school) years of education.

  4. We've had a post about staplers up for c. 6 hours, and Frod hasn't commented yet?!? Has someone sent out a search party?

  5. Wow! Quite the experience...

    And here I was hoping a certain irate professor (Frod?) was attempting to staple a certain appendage to the floor to demonstrate what happens when students don't staple papers. :)

  6. Let us STAPLE honest_prof's DICK to the FLOOR! And then KICK him in the FACE, as he SCREAMS in AGONY! And then, GIGGLE with MALICE!

    Yes, I know, honest_prof, "Disgraceful!" There, beat you to it! And remember, we are LAUGHING at YOU! There are NO parents reading, by the way.