Sunday, November 16, 2014

Fresno State. Amirite?

http://gawker.com/college-student-was-super-stressed-out-so-he-fucked-a-s-1659398550

23 comments:

  1. Yep, that's right. Now you know why I frequent College Misery: this is one of my students. Try teaching astrophysics, or the philosophy of science, or anything else of consequence to these boneheads, and remember that MORONS is the word that describes adults with the minds of 12-year-olds. Note my complete absence of a "Say it ain't so!" reflex, or anything of the kind. That Fox News would cover this story also makes sense. Notice also that the story isn't on the my.csufresno.edu news page.

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    1. P.S. Now you know why I spend so much time STAPLING DICKS to the FLOOR! (TWITCH!!! TWITCH!!!)

      This came just as I was grading a particularly nasty stack of papers from my general-ed science class. Did you know that Earth's daytime sky is blue because of clouds in space?

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    2. With President Joe Castro's new emphasis on "student success," chances are good that this student will NOT be expelled for fucking a sheep. Students in the engineering school do mathematics at a shockingly low standard, too.

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  2. Well, the student WAS successful. At fucking a sheep.

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    1. Oh, no he wasn't! Successful sheep-fuckers don't get caught!

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  3. If there were more telescopes available, young men like this wouldn't have to hang out in barns.

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    1. Erm, Cal? Do you really think it's advisable to get into a cramped, dark space with a bunch of sheep fuckers? No thanks.

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    2. Not to mention what they might try with the telescopes.

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    3. I currently have a student in my Observational Astronomy class who has negative mechanical aptitude. This isn't zero mechanical aptitude, like theorists have: this is negative, in that he breaks things in ways you wouldn't think were possible.

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  4. There's a "Fresno Sheep Unit"? How does that even come up when touting campus success? "...and our campus has a world-renowned Sheep Unit, the best of its kind!" Is this used as a recruiting tool during the campus tour? "Let's show you around the Sheep Unit. It's fucking awesome! (and no pun intended, if yanowadimean wink wink)"

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    1. Fresno State also has an enology program. Enology is wine making. I have learned to beware of students in my physics classes who list it as their major.

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  5. Won't somebody please think of the alpaca?

    What amazes me is that his excuse is that he was super stressed out. Seriously, how stressed do you have to be for your solution to be boning an ungulate?

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    1. Now you know what I get handed to me EVERY god-damn time a homework assignment is due. No, not a sheep: an excuse that is SO idiotically transparent, a 2-year-old child could see through it!

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  6. My early commute was much more fun today than usual as I pondered, in no particular order:

    1. Did the cops play it straight or fall over in hysterics?

    2. Did the student at least call the ewe in the morning?

    3. Consider the series of lies the student told about what he was doing. Now consider his last statement: "This was my first time." Discuss its likely veracity.

    4. Besides the sheep, did the student violate any clause of the Fresno State code of student conduct?

    5. Why is this illegal? Seriously. Not that I condone it, but does it harm or traumatize the sheep (any more getting a sheep, um, rammed)? Could the student transmit a disease to the sheep, lowering its value?

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    1. (1) They did arrest him, which made it a matter of public record so it could get on the news (although it was Fox News), so I suppose they played it straight.

      (2) I wouldn't think that sheep would be allowed to use the phone. He ought to use that phone call to call his attorney, anyway.

      (3) Again, now you have an idea of the excuses I get every damn time homework is due. I once really did get a third dead-grandmother excuse from the same student in one semester. At least he had more than one grandmother: he looked the type to have only one, although I didn't check for extra fingers or toes.

      (4) Considering the nonsense that students get away with here, I’d say probably not.

      (5) Would you want anyone you know to do it? But I dunno, I’m not a lawyer or a physician.

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    2. Regarding (2): "Dad, you're never going to guess where I am right now..."

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  7. So that's what they do at ewe-niversity....

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  8. My teenage son adds this:

    His first time was with a sheep?

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  9. It's times like these I wish livestock were armed... (facepalm).

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