Snowflake #1: Listen here, you smug little fucker: I've been teaching writing since 1994 and I can fucking tell when you switch to a font that takes up more space and fuck with the margins to stretch your three and a quarter page piece of shit essay to the bare minimum of four pages after having a FUCKING MONTH TO WRITE IT. You didn't follow the fucking assignment directions anyway. Have fun with your D.
Snowflake #2: You haven't looked at feedback--which I damn near killed myself to turn around in less than two weeks for every major assignment--all semester long, but you're not sure why you're getting a D-? Oh, and you're already signed up to take the same course with me next semester? Great. Merry Christmas to me.
Snowflake#3: You flunked the second essay, but I took care to tell you that you'd have the opportunity to rewrite it for a new grade when you turned in the final portfolio. You turned in your third and final essay in a file format I can't open, and you still haven't checked your fucking email wherein I told you that you have til Monday 12/22 to turn in the work in a fucking format I can fucking open. I suppose the email you sent me in November (coincidentally on the last day to drop) where you said "I didn't go to college to learn how to write but if passing this class will get me to what I want to be learning then I'm going to try my hardest," should have clued me in that you weren't actually going to do the work to pass. You didn't bother with revision, either. Big fucking surprise.
Snowflake #4: This is your second fucking run through this class. Why is your shit late AGAIN? You are bright. What the fuck is your problem?
Snowflake #5: Just fucking forget it. I hate you.
Snowflake#6: You showed up on the first day of class, and you turned in the signature page from the syllabus for 5 points. Then you never came to another class. You ignored all the emails I sent you telling you to come to class, then telling you to drop by the drop date. You're fucking contesting your continued listing in the class? Fuck you. I don't have the power to drop non-performing students. Because we want to give every little precious snowflake the chance to pass. Not that you would have.
Snowflake#7: Enjoy your C. I never want to see you again, ever.
Snowflake #8: Why are you in college? Go work a terrible job like your classmate over there, who gets paid $8/hour to manage an entire fast-food restaurant and still comes to class every day with her work done, including the day after said restaurant burned to the ground (not her fault).
Snowflake #9: Why didn't you fucking drop this class when I sent out the warning in October? I told you, baldly, that you could not have a hope of passing my class because you didn't turn in the first 100 point assignment, and I don't take late work. You stayed in the class even when I sent the notice before the drop date. Then, just after the drop date, you stopped coming to class, but you didn't drop. You are stupid.
Snowflake #10: You came to class, mostly, and turned in work. Some of it was even B-level, which indicates your ability. But you didn't pass the class--because you thought you could just turn in some shit for a final essay (after turning in a straight list of sources in place of an annotated bibliography, for which you justly earned an F). You spent more than a little time texting while I was talking, so maybe that's why. Enjoy having to pay to take this fucking class again. And please don't take it with me. Because I will nail your ass to the wall if you do.
I think that about covers it. The rest of my 100 or so students were pretty cool, and because I like the material I teach, *I* had a good time in class.
I hope everyone is either a) done grading or b) getting close to done. I've quit for the day and I'm about to make myself a brandy old-fashioned (sweet).