|Maybelle checks in, chews cud.|
Since being let go due to budget constraints from my adjunct job at Misleading U in 2012, I scrambled. I reevaluated. I left the profession.
I started a job where I thought I'd be able to continue my research.
The truth is I don't care about the academic hamster ball any more. No matter what I do, no matter if I finally secure some journal publications and a book deal, I won't get back into the academy. I left my place in the pauper's line and there is no going back.
There's no room for me at the table, and I'm tired of begging.
It took a series of unexpected and serious health issues to make me realize the chase isn't worth the quarry.
Now, I'm in the wrong job. It crushes my soul one 8 to 5 day at a time. I regret every day I wake up and haven't died in my sleep, and then I have to go on to work.
It will be two years this spring since I've read any book or article related to my research project. If I tell people about the project, everyone is so excited and supportive about it, but the truth is, I work 40 hours a week and have a hellish 60-mile commute each day. When I get home, I want to watch TV, play video games, and not do a damn thing related to thinking.
No one prepares you for what happens when you fail. I spent more than a decade never going to work, but rather going to teach, which was my heart's passion.
I never thought I'd fail.
I never thought it would be me.