Monday, September 14, 2015

Taking Control of Things

Act 1:
    I took Frod's advice and visited that Site That Shall not be Named to do a little, umm... cleanup.  All those negative posts are now gone.  The magic word is "libelous".  All those false reviews had followed me around like a fucking hemorrhoid.  If I could have a favorite negative review, it would be a tie between the one that said I lived out of my car and the one that said I was too smart to teach.  Fuck you.

Act 2:
    So you want to meet today for tutoring because your calculus final is next week.  Sure!  I mean it's not like you went the entire semester without tutoring.  You have been meeting with me for a few hours before each exam to have me work problems from the study guide, though that's not as regular as it ought to be.
    Three hours into the session, my other client shows up for his appointment.  What's this?  You're plopping another packet down in front of me?  It's an extra credit assignment?  What?  You want me to do them because you really need the extra credit points?  Here, I'll do a couple of them just to get you started.  Oh, that's not good enough?  Well, I don't have time to work through all of them.  My other client is here.  No, I will not take a picture of the problems and email you solutions.  You're asking me why?  Why should I have to do them at all?  Oh. That's priceless.  You're saying that because you don't know how to do them, then that means I should do them instead.  You're turning this in for points buddy!  Again, my other client is here and this conversation is running into his time.  That'll be $60 please and thank you.  Yes, that's nice that you're going to have to watch Khan Academy.  Oh, you poor poor thing!
    What's this now?  You've paid and now you are coming back inside only 30 seconds later.  You want some of your money refunded?  You don't say!  Sorry, but we worked for 3 hours.  Services were rendered.  Oh, you don't think it's fair that I wouldn't do your extra credit assignment?  And I didn't tell you about the scheduling conflict either?  Yes, it's unfortunate that my other client showed up for tutoring.  For the love of God, we were already working for 3 hours!   Enough is enough and where do you get off thinking that my day is magically cleared just for you?
    Oh, so now you're saying it's not fair that we didn't get through all the work you needed to do.  Well, that's too bad that you let it stack up.  No, it does NOT entitle you to a refund.  Look.  We are not going to have this conversation.
    Now you're threatening to just take the money with or without me handing it over willingly.  You really want to go there?  In a public place?  Where there's witnesses?  And cameras?  Oh, and by the way, the police department is right across the street.  We have a good police department.  A lady was carjacked here once.  Within 2 minutes, the police had the perp tackled and eating pavement.
    Yes, so please leave, and don't come back.  I should have known you were trouble.  It always seemed to bother me how instead of driving 10 minutes to the local community college, instead you preferred to go 50 miles out of your way to the one in the boonies.  Did something happen at the local one to cause you to not be able to return to it?  I don't know and I don't care.
    That's right, get in your truck and leave.  God I hope that since you're a Business Major, you don't return 10 years from now as a CEO and cause my life to be a living hell.


  1. Yikes! Maybe it's just in the context of the post below, but that client does, indeed, sound a bit scary, EMH. I hope he does, indeed, stay away for good, but watch your back for a while, huh?

    I'm glad the review-cleanup went well, at least. I'm not sure what living out of one's car would have to do with the ability to teach (well, as long as one had regular access to shower facilities). Being "too smart to teach" is sort of half-possible: the problem isn't being smart, but whether or not one is able to relate and explain key concepts, to people who don't grasp a subject as easily as one does. If that one came up often, it might be worth considering (but not, obviously, if it's coming from someone who things teaching=doing their homework for them. If only there were a way to open the top of someone's head and pour knowledge in! Of course, if there were, some smart person would find a way to automate the process, and we'd all be out of a job.)

  2. Another two magic words are "STAPLE GUN." They need to be said maniacally, while clad in a blood-stained lab coat. Also, hemorrhoids eventually do go away, although new ones can appear.