Monday, August 23, 2010

Bipolar Joni

'Tis the season...where there isn't enough liquor on the planet to make academic bullshit seem logical. Seriously, where the hell is Margaritaville? I need the effing zipcode for my Garmin.... Anyhoo, as I sit here in a tequila-induced trace (when I ought to be working on a presentation I have next week and I ought to be writing yet another letter to the graduate program director begging for teaching gigs this term and I ought to be revising my oh-so-corny teaching philosophy and I ought to be prepping for 2 classes I'm subbing for next week and I ought to be proofing the first draft of my thesis and I ought to be steeling myself for dealing with another term's worth of troglodytes and I ought to be filling out my degree application and I ought to be....well, I've run out of "oughts" at the moment...but I'm sure I'll think of another ten-thousand or so more before dawn breaks) ...anyways, back to the I sit here drunk off my ass, I'm thinking of a couple semi-random things. Oh, and yes, I am up at 12:30 am on a Sunday night writing on an academic blog. Seriously, the "Bipolar" bit isn't a joke...I haven't slept well in a week.

I've been thinking about school - from both sides: teaching and studenting (it is a word if I say it's a word, bitches!). And as tequila has been involved with this evening's, I thought I'd have a go at rewriting Joni Mitchell. There are 5 billion things I ought to be concentrating on right now, not the least of which is this pile of "Please let me into your lab even though it's been full for 2 weeks!!!" emails. Two words, dear students: FFFFF UUUUUU! :) But instead of all that academic shtuff, I'd thought I'd kill some time and entertain myself. *pause* And, scene....

To the tune of Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now"
Facts and fun from Science Fair, and breathing ultra-filtered air,
And Bunsen-burning off my hair, I've enjoyed school that way.
But now I've lost my "research awe," and all my data's filled with flaws,
My stats are wrong & way too raw. But school got in the way.

I've looked at school from both sides now,
From frosh and grad, and still somehow
It's a grade's illusion I recall.
I really don't know school at all.

Seeking knowledge, working hard, thinking my peers are retards,
Kicking ass and taking names, I've gone to class that way.
Pride in ignorance, lack of shame, finding someone else to blame,
Skating through, face covered with drool, I taught that class today.

I've looked at class from both sides now,
From teach and learn, and still somehow
It's your delusions I recall.
I really don't know flakes at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "Unionize!" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes, they're all shot down. I've looked at jobs that way.
But my portfolio's thin, my CV's no-go. I need a gig and money, so
I sell my brain like it's a ho. I've gotten jobs that way.

I've looked at jobs from both sides now,
From T-T and TA. Somehow
It's grad school's illusions I recall.
I really don't get school at all.

I really need a hobby....other than bitching and gossiping about my students, that is. But I'm 3-sheets to the wind (really, what the hell does that mean???), and I needed to let off some steam. I have a REAM of burns to post, but as this is already way too long, I'll wait for another drunken haze during which to post them...

And out.


  1. I'll say one thing for you--you're pretty damn articulate for being drunk off your ass. Kudos.

  2. Drunk dial the dean and report back to us immediately.

  3. “Three sheets to the wind” is a nautical expression; the "sheets" are the ropes attached the corners of the sail. To have three of the ropes of the sail flapping in the wind (and thus only being held by one rope) well, I'm sure you can take the metaphor from here…

    Great post/parody.

  4. Go Cat - I feel edified. Thank you. Bring me a hot cocoa and my evening will have been perfect (ie: learning something random and cool, plus anything chocolate = awesomest day evar!!)

  5. No prob. And might I suggest a Mexican-style cocoa? (Slightly less sweet and made with cinnamon- TDF)


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