Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Actual Student Email

miss m dis cap ... i cant stop vomitting i have alot of flu symptoms and i have given all of my assighnments for each class to my roommate to give to my teachers i will be in class asap thanks

...and now in English.

Professor Mitch:

This is Caprelli.

I am making up another bullshit excuse for why I am not in class.

I am turning in my paper late, via my roommate/henchman, even though you and I have already discussed the fact that you don't accept late work and I will fail if I miss another paper.

I also realize that your attendance policy, which is in line with the school's recommended guidelines for attendance policies, specifies that I will fail the class on the sixth absence. Yes, this is my eighth absence. I realize that you gave me a second chance on my seventh absence because of a legitimate emergency which I was able to prove to you that I didn't make up, after all of those other supposed emergencies that I did make up. I remember agreeing when you said you wouldn't take any excuses for further absences, including hospitalization, but I think you are a pushover so I'm going to test you anyway.

I mean, why not, since I'll probably end up failing. After all, this is a writing class but I still haven't figured out that "miss m dis cap" is not an appropriate response to the rhetorical situation at hand, and even if I
had figured that out, I wouldn't be able to write an appropriate sentence anyway.



  1. Dis email is SUPER vomit-inducing, that's for sure.

    I bet he's a thuggy little fucker, isn't he?

    Send him back an email saying this:

    Due to having 8 absences, you have failed the course. The best thing to do would be to withdraw from the course, as there is no way you can pass.

  2. dis d, i 2 speechlezz.

  3. siiiiiiiigh.

    It's one thing about the lies and excuses and inability to read a goddamned course syllabus. But the mixed letters that are supposed to be an email? That's what really gets me. fuckers.

  4. I have to admit -- my first response was to be relieved that the paper you're about to be handed in all likelihood is *not* actually coated with germs that cause unstoppable vomiting (which makes sense, come to think of it, since it's hard to type while vomiting).

    Second was to LOL at " 'miss m dis cap' is not an appropriate response to the rhetorical situation at hand." I recognize that jargon, and, yes, it perfectly describes the problem in this case.


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