Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Summer in the lab

I managed to get by this summer relying only on the generous donations of US taxpayers and wisely converting all my research grants into gold. Woot, as the kids might say. That means no complaints about students, right? Please. Who do you think is working in the lab right now?

Complaining Carl isn’t happy about the progress he’s making. You want to meet with me to discuss this. Again. For the third time this summer. You leave work early, you go on vacation and you want to schedule a lot of meetings. Yeah, big mystery. You might be the first research assistant I’ve had who is destined for college administration.

Sick Sandra can’t seem to show up four or more days each week. You’re smart and you do good work while you’re not doped up on meds. Can you just get over the plague so that I can publish some data this year?

Below average Bob used to work for me, then failed out and transferred, then transferred back and into a different, easier major, then couldn’t even pass those classes to graduate, then signed up for a summer independent study with me to fulfill his final three credits, then does work more typical of a sophomore. I hope this run-on sentence conveys my feelings towards Bob.

Grad student Gerald will not maintain this nickname for long if you doesn’t finish your fucking literature review.

Flashdrive Frita is a loser. You are a loser of data which is the worst type of loser. You store everything you ever wrote, calculated and graphed all summer on a cheap USB drive, which you then lose. Loser.

The worst bunch of researchers I've had in a while. Why can't they do what I want them to? I pay their salaries! It does feel good to say that.

After sharing my summer (and research funds) with these lab rats, I’ve never been more excited about the beginning of the semester.


  1. Love the lab smack. I had a cathartic submission about my gradflake in spring semester who just ... flaked. It was too long, didn't send it in to CM. Maybe I'll edit it and then post.

  2. Ugh. Been there Ben. May the worm turn. Or whatever. Have a stiff drink.

  3. Oooo...lab rage. Love it. I've got a grad RA right that I've steadily weaned off any responsibilities. Today my only request was "Please empty the recycle bins."


    Didn't happen. Tea-party-tard.

  4. Alright, who is flippin' dumb enough to leave all their work on a flash drive, the most brilliantly loseable media storage device yet conceived? No paper back up at ALL? Screw that; I would force the little dorks to keep everything on paper just in case the fit hits the shan, and in the digital realm it does. A lot.

  5. For that matter, doesn't the little labflake know about the university's network/fifteen gazilabytes of storage? Seriously, who uses flash drives when you can just stick any file on a megaserver accessible from anywhere on the planet? If your IT department looses one of those . . . well, our cries of "Die, IT, Die" might come to a bit more fruition than we intended.

    Teapartytard indeed.


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