Thursday, January 26, 2012

Nitwit 6 (because the five other nitwits need their own post)

I remember you, Nitwit 6. You were a nitwit in this very course last year, you know, the online course you signed up for and then promptly ignored. Imagine my surprise to see you on the roster this year, and my utter lack of surprise when you straightway began ignoring the class yet again. You didn’t even log into the course website once during the first two weeks of school, let alone complete any assignments. I know these things, Nitwit 6, because Blackboard allows me to know these things. So when, earlier this week, my university asked that I report all non-attending students in my classes, students that might be, oh, trying to scam the university and the US government for aid, I promptly reported that you, Nitwit 6, had never even logged in once.

Oh, the humanity! Nothing gets a student to stand up straight and pay attention like the threat that their fraudulently acquired student aid might fly right out the window. I promptly received two emails from you and a phone call, explaining that you “thought that classes started on the 19th”, which was why you hadn’t paid any attention to the course as of yet. Wrong, Nitwit 6. And by the way, the 19th was a week ago. What have you been doing since then? Nothing? Big surprise.

By the way, my speshul powerz also allow me to see that you’ve withdrawn or flunked out of every course you’ve taken here in the past year. Yet now you want me to call the registrar and tell them you’re an active member of my course. Seriously? Think again, Nitwit 6.

But I’m not entirely unreasonable. I informed you that I would tell the registrar that you were participating once you actually started to participate. The earliest opportunity for that is the latest assignment, due tomorrow morning. It’s going to be hard for you to complete this assignment, however, as I know for a fact you haven’t even started the reading yet, because on the phone today you said you “just got the book.” I doubt you even have the book, Nitwit 6, but if you do, get cracking. And turn in that assignment by eight a.m., because I don’t accept late papers. Otherwise, no amount of begging or explaining will get you that note to the registrar, and your check will be held hostage in the ether somewhere, hopefully to be freed and let loose into my bank account in the form of a tax refund. But you’ll get nada, Nitwit 6. Nah. Dah.

One last note: If you dare get desperate enough to plagiarize, you can watch me take making your life difficult to a whole. ‘Nother. Level. A Whole. ‘Nother. Level, Nitwit 6.

Just try me.


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