Thursday, February 9, 2012

Locked Out

Knock! Knock! Can I please come back in? Seriously. I locked myself out of CM. Trying to log in from work because I had HAD HAD to post because I was about to lose it...but I couldn’t. I’ve been locked out for over a week. I’m not sad I wasn’t (noticeably) missed – I’m new and haven’t yet infiltrated your hearts, minds, and lower intestines. I’m sad because I couldn’t comment on so many things, and I couldn’t vent. I just drank (more) heavily. Google really does take security seriously.

Into week 3 and they definitely aren’t as bad as last semester, but that says very little. It’s early days yet.

What do we have so far?

First day Frida: Yes, I know you need to add, Frida. Yes, Frida, I know you need the class. All of these students NEED the’s for non-majors. Yes, I’m sure you’ll be the best student ever, Frida. I’m sure that your reasons for not attending the first week are awesome, Frida. Now get the fuck out of my face, Frida!

Narco(leptic) Nik: You think that you can pretend you’re asleep but really just look at your phone and I won't notice? You were the one I told to get off your phone on the first day as class began. I don’t want you on your phone, nor do I want you pretending you’re asleep, or actually sleeping. Laying across the desk, staring at your crotch...I can still see the glow. Put it away and wake the fuck up before I make your crotch glow because I punch you in it.

Random punctuation Rita: Please. can you; explain, to me why. You insert random: punctuation in your; sentences. (When) you read; books or; magazines...or see any, words! Do? you think; that it is, incorrect. Also in addition to therefore; why? when? you summarize; things are they longer than what, you are. summarizing!

Turdy Ted: Thanks for making fun of the way I pronounce things...especially when I’m right and you’re not. I beg you to continue. Remember, I have to read your giant masses of utter shit daily, and everything about them is wrong – punctuation, grammar, spelling...basic ideas, cogent’re 20. You’re barely literate. Suck it, son.

Know it all Alvin: Sigh. So boring. Yawn. Late every day. Whining when your homework is marked late. It was just 5 minutes. Yes, please walk in front of me while I’m talking. I love that. It isn’t distracting to anyone. Whining because you didn’t know you were supposed to do something. And, gosh, you already know all this stuff, everything, about how all of the world works. Do you know why I ignore you when you dare participate and ask questions? BECAUSE YOU ARE WRONG!!! You don’t know everything. You might not even know ANYTHING!

Several Snowies: Please read an article of your choosing from this list, or you may find another, similar one. “Um, so like, we just need to read an article off this list?” Yes. Just read one. Any one. Your choice. It will help you answer some questions and generate discussion. “But like, after I read it, then what?” Just be prepared to discuss it. “So, what am I turning in? A summary?” JUST FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCKER READ THE THING! That’s it. That’s all you have to do.

Neverlate Nan: Second day – I’m NEVER late. I’m soooo sorry...I got stuck in traffic. It was really bad. I’m sorry. Fourth day – I’m really sorry. I’m NEVER late, but today my appointment ran long.

Mary Kate and Ashley: No, my name isn’t Mr. Martinez. Close. It’s Terguson. It’s only the 3rd week...these things take time. No, I will not go out with you, but thanks for asking loudly in front of the 100 person class. It isn’t awkward at all.

Speshul Sarah from last semester: You were the flakiest of flakes – the emails you sent have made the rounds. Epitome of speshul. I'm sure I hurt your self of steeme. Why do I fucking see you every single day? Why haven’t you flunked out of college? Stop wasting your parent’s money. But, then, maybe they just want you out of the house.

New Excuse – no more dead grandparents. Everyone has car trouble. Only week 3 and 5 students have had car trouble. USE THE BUS! You get a free pass and I don’t! I have to pay to get my ass to this shithole every day!

New job – I'm the department head's new PA. Trying to organize anything in this place is utterly painful. Three years and I know about 5 people. Yes, hi, could I please find out what days this room is available at this time? Fill out these 26 forms in triplicate. Weeks pass. Hello, yes, while I’m waiting for approval for the 79 forms I filled out, could you also let me know when the room is available so that I can let people know when the meetings will be held? Days later: We need to know what time. AGH! It was on the 9 million forms I filled out, and in the initial email. I hate you. When your boss knows you’re broke, he will “save” you by having you this dirty work.

But hey, again, it’s not nearly as bad as last semester. 97% of the students are literate, at least 80% can do arithmetic, and I’ve only had a nightmare about one (Know it all Alvin) so far.


  1. Not sure how much you'd want my lower intestines, but welcome back.
    Loved, (the!) "Random; Rita'" -- bit!

  2. Turdy can indeed suck on it.

    Back in college, I had a prof who, when talking about India, said "caste" to rhyme with "paste" or "taste" and not like most Americans pronounce it, to rhyme with "past." At the time I thought it was weird, but looking back, I realize that maybe most of the people in class were hearing the word for the first time and might not have noticed. Anyway, nobody said anything. Now in one of the classes I am taking I have a prof who says "epitome" like "eppy toam" instead of the usual "eh-PIH-tuh-mee."

    Neither of these examples is a native speaker of English, however.

    Anyway, thanks for the smack. The blog has found its roots again. Good stuff.

  3. "JUST FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCKER READ THE THING!" I have had to restrain myself from yelling this at my students on *multiple* occasions.

    Thanks for the post--

    1. And I just checked my email to find a student asking "So, we work on our papers, and read the two chapters. Is that all?" AGH.

    2. I just got one that asked how much of yesterday's material will the student need to know for a test. I'm considering just saying,"Oh, about 17%," just to get the reply.


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