Received this email last week:
I just wanted to apologize for getting back to you so late, I have had a terrible week! I had everything ready wednesday to post my topic and right when I started writing it the track pad on my macbook froze! So I had to take it in to the Apple Store, luckily they were very quick fixing it. Unfortunatly the Apple Store is in a very upscale mall inside of a casino, which is not in a very good neighborhood. When I was walking back to my car with my laptop I was attacked by a crazy homeless man and I broke my hand! Ughhhhh!!!! I'm so mad, it's really depressing, and it hurts ALOT! They didn't give me any pain medicine and the ER wouldn't set it for me, they just put me in a temp cast and told me I need to see a specialist, but he won't see me because I have no insurance! I'm sooo frustrated! But I wrote this paper with a broken hand, I know it isn't perfect and I apologize, I am just in too much pain to revise it. Sometimes my professors tell me that they can't see my papers because I use open office, so i will copy it to the bottom incase it doesn't come up for you. I attached a picture of me in this temp cast THAT I HATE!!!!!! That is me pretending to be happy that I have this thing on. It could be a lot worse I guess. I keep laughing that its my last class, its almost like I have to fight my way through it now! Sorry again!
Oh, Dearie Donald, I'm so sorry to hear about your hand. The timing your computer chose for its demise is exceedingly unfortunate. I know that if my laptop were to die, there could be simply no way to contact my professor for about 2 weeks. Indeed, I would probably sit on my front lawn, tears streaming down my face, until the laptop took pity on me and woke up on its own.
But that's not all!! Oh, why do these Apple Stores always choose terrible neighborhoods for their stores? It's probably because their target demographic is homeless people and thugs. I know that's who is always stealing the macbooks on campus, so clearly the Apple Store is doing its job by setting up shop in a bad neighborhood. If you think about it, it's probably good business sense -- you buy the computer, someone steals it outside, so you go buy another computer. That Steve Jobs! Genius.
But, OH! The pain. Your attack made my heart jump into my mouth. How terrifying! And for you especially. No insurance? Even though our University makes students either buy into student insurance or prove that they are already insured elsewhere? Exactly how did you avoid this paperwork nightmare? Very clever of you.
And now, your picture. Oh, Darling Donald, the picture of you grinning with your cast is so bittersweet. I see your hidden pain! And your choice to wear a sweater with Valentine's Day decorations even though it's mid-summer makes me wince. How emotionally fragile you must be to keep the love in the air year round. Because I completely believe that this picture was taken when you say it was. I really, truly do.
With all my heart, I hope you are able to heal fast. Surely you must be my best student or something something something get over yourself I hope the University never allows you to graduate don't ever email me again.