RYS AND CM HAVE RUN FOR MORE THAN NINE YEARS. BEN'S BLOG, ACADEMIC WATER TORTURE RAN FOR FIVE MONTHS. YET EVERYBODY LOVES AND WORSHIPS HIM. MEANWHILE THE RGM GETS THE WET HANDSHAKE OF RESPECT AND GRIM TOLERATION. SO I GET IT NOW. YOU MOTHERFUCKAS HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN THROUGH TO ME. IN FACT I TOOK ONE OF HIS FEATURES AND TURNED IT ON ITS HEAD. I GOT CRUNK WITH IT. I'M TAKING THIS SHIT TO A HELLA NEW LEVEL! WE ALL CAN PLAY THE GAME BELOW. WON'T IT BE FUN? WON'T I BE YOUR FRIEND? I WILL PUT THE REVOLVER DOWN. I WILL BE A BETTER MAN. PLEASE PLAY WITH ME. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PRETEND TO LIKE ME LIKE YOU LIKE BEN. I'M JUST A GIRL, STANDING IN FRONT OF A BOY, ASKING HIM TO LOVE HER.
MATCH THE PHOTO.
- We are here to ruin your lives. ______
- We are here because we get 5 points for coming to office hours._____
- We are here because we thought this is where the Skrillex tickets were._____
- We are here because the bookstore is out of colorful notebooks and binders._____
We are here because we heard you had good weed.
ReplyDeleteYou've got the wrong mod, Kimmie!
Delete1. F
ReplyDelete2. verb
3. One Direction
4. Zappos
can t stop laughing to typ
ReplyDeletetoo funny!
1. My mom said don't worry about that FERPA thing
ReplyDelete2. We all missed class. Did anything important, like, happen?
3. Do you have a stapler we could borrow?
4. Hi. Katie sent us.
A. The Intercollegiate Stock Photo Team needs to be excused from next Friday's class.
ReplyDeleteB. Hi, we're the Support the High School Cool Kids collection committee, care to donate?
C. Teeth Whitening Anonymous.
D. Can you tell us what is going to be on the exam?
First of all, Aeronautics, not cool.
ReplyDeleteSecondly. I'd have replaced Skrillex with Dilpo!
A. We're your customers.
B. We're your customers.
C. We're your bosses.
D. We need add slips.
A. Why are we taking notes? This is syllabus week.
ReplyDeleteB. We would each like to discuss how you can accommodate our learning styles.
C. We're seniors, so, like, we have to pass your class.
D. Our sorority is taking a cruise so I'll miss class. That's a school sponsored trip, right? (The two guys in the back are just hanging around to chat up the sorority girls.)
Hey, RGM, I think you're paying a bit too much attention to that one kid in the class (or maybe it's a small clique) who claims that "everybody in the class" thinks that there is too much work/the deadline for the next paper or test should be postponed/whatever. As you well know, while that kid is making his pitch, the rest of the class is often rolling its eyes behind his back. The phenomenon is less visible virtually, I realize, but it's still there.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I'm going to play that other kid, the one who can't quite fathom the directions. I thought we were supposed to match the captions you provided with the letters, but everyone else wrote captions. So now I'm confused, and I refuse to do the assignment until you reiterate the directions to me personally (assume that I am sending this missive via email at 2 a.m., and class is at 9 a.m.).
It wouldn't be College Misery if everyone followed the rules!!!!
DeleteTrue. Also -- congratulations on Missoula. I wouldn't worry too much about Maine; after the last spate of storms, I'm not sure many people there have electricity at the moment.
DeleteI was playing the part of the student who does the assignment without reading the directions, as well as the one who does read the instructions but only to find fault with them because he thinks he's (it's usually a he; I'm a guy, so I can say this) smarter than the teacher and so he does it "a better way" and then argues about it gets marked wrong.
DeletePosted on borrowed phone pls frgve mispeling
And I'm the student who didn't read the directions or see what anyone else did but I demand that you tell me what's going on and what will be on the test so I can get an A.
DeleteSorry, but I've taken down an earlier comment from "Aeronautics." The name linked to a profile of a community member with a different name. I don't believe that these links can be spoofed, but I may be wrong. Rather than leave it up, especially if it was spoofed and the actual member was innocent, I've decided to exercise the rule about members not using multiple monikers. Oh, and to two wiseacres through email: I don't even own a revolver!
ReplyDeleteNotting Hill reference! Well played. I knew the new moderator had just the right amount of feminine energy - that's a callback to a much earlier line of nuttery. Hi everyone. Sorry I've not been around. Little Jake is driving me and hubby crazy. But he's a delight. Makes the work day not nearly so painful. THEY JUST DON'T MATTER AS MUCH ANYMORE. What a nice treat.
ReplyDeleteXOXO,
Darla
PS: I love Kimmie's suggestions!
Darla!
DeleteHey! Darla!!!! [waves wildly] Good to see you, and to hear that Jake is an effective distraction from the misery. Enjoy! and come around now and then, please!
DeleteP.S. I also love Kimmie's suggestions; Also EC1's (especially #4), Pumpkin's (especially A, since I'm pretty sure this team exists somewhere), and (at the risk of setting off the RGM again; maybe we need to chip in and buy him some weed? And a ticket to Colorado, of course, so it's all legal) Ben's (hard to choose among the four). I'm still trying to figure out OPH's (perhaps because (s)he was at least sorta following the directions?). I suspect they're very clever, and very funny, and I'm just being dumb (or not getting the references, or whatever).
Cassandra, you’re likely giving me too much credit. Clever and funny are in the eye of the beholder. You are certainly not being dumb, and I was not referencing anything specific I’d expect anybody to ‘get’. I’ve tried to retrace my original train of thought in a (lengthy) comment, which I’ll post below in a few minutes.
DeleteHey, it's Darla! :) Come back soon!!!
DeletePOW!
ReplyDeleteA. Someone said you 'know where the good spots are' at the University of Moncton library.
B. Are you going to make St Paddy's Day a holiday?
C. Can we get an extension? On the assignment you haven't even posted yet?
D. Ironically enough, we're the student photo used by a university that bends over backwards extolling the diversity of its student body.
A. I'm black! I'm touching the Hispanic guy! Diversity!
ReplyDeleteB. I never should have taught them how to construct a phalanx.
C. ::points:: ::screams::
D. Friends! The College Years!
I wish to have RGM;s love child.... that is all.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. He only works between 9 and 10.
DeletePlenty of time.
DeleteThat leaves you all the hours between ten and nine for the begatting...
DeleteA: We're education majors. Our teacher said we need to interview a professor.
ReplyDeleteB: Promoting academic rigor through models posing with unlikely numbers of files.
C: We, respectively, are the deans of Assessment, Retention, Success, and Engagement. We'll be sitting in on your classes this semester.
D: We'll do anything for credit. ANYTHING!!
Answer C is the four horsedeans of the apocolypse.
DeleteBen wins, with the assist to EC1.
DeleteIt's CM - alpaca lips are more likely.
DeleteA. Forced recruits for the Red Army, Stalingrad front.
ReplyDeleteB. Forced labor for the Arctic gulags.
C. Deliberately lost under Moscow Metro.
D. Sold to the Chinese Kuomintang warlord Yan Xishan for two tons of opium.
Tendered here for your possible enjoyment is the internal dialog of a student upon encountering the above matching exercise in a pop quiz, followed by the professor’s reactions to the student’s answers. Our Dear Proffie has long ago learned to grade pop quizzes as soon as possible after class so as not to delay the drinking.
ReplyDelete1. We are here to ruin your lives. ______
Student: Wow, this one’s hard. These pictures all look the same. Last time something like this happened, the answer was F, so that must be the right answer here, too.
2. We are here because we get 5 points for coming to office hours._____
Student: Jeez, another hard question. They can’t expect us to answer this without giving us at least a better clue. It’s like they leave me no choice.
3. We are here because we thought this is where the Skrillex tickets were._____
Student: Oooh, Skrillex! Vup vup doompa vup vup oon-tss oon-tss oon-tss! Yeah! I’m going clubbing this weekend! I’m gonna hang with my homies and BFFs and we’re gonna party like it’s 19… hey, Taylor Swift’s new album is ‘1989’, I wonder if that’s when she was born… oh yeah, I need to finish answering this question about what other band I’m going to see in concert!
4. We are here because the bookstore is out of colorful notebooks and binders._____
Student: Wait, the bookstore sells notebooks and binders? I thought that was just where we go to buy college-branded merchandise and coffee and stuff. I got this backpack there. It has separate compartments for my new iPad and Mac Air Pro. I got them with my student loan reimbursement. I also got these shoes at the bookstore. Oh, that reminded me of the answer to what’s another place you get stuff you need for college!
1. F
Proffie: Well, clearly that was not a valid answer choice, but as an academic exercise, I now wonder if this student answered F for ‘false’ or for ‘failing grades’. If the former, well, that’s nice, dear; I’m glad you don’t intend to mess up my life. Isn’t it pretty to think so? If the latter, then yes, failures do ‘ruin’ your lives, but then my life is also ruined by your whining and baseless appeals.
2. verb
Proffie: Most intriguing. In another course I’m teaching, which this student’s roommate just happens to be taking, I gave a pop quiz earlier today. In that quiz, answer number 2 was ‘noun’.
3. One Direction
Proffie: I’ll take Modern “Music” for $800, Alex. The answer is Skrillex and One Direction. The questions is: who are two modern “artists” that an active auto body repair shop sounds better than?
4. Zappos
Proffie: Well, if they had totally given up the idea of matching the pictures to the prompts and were just writing in their own answers, I’d have expected them to put ‘Target’ or maybe ‘Amazon’. But here’s something: Zappos was bought by Amazon, and our college bookstore was bought by Barnes & Noble.
Sounds like a pretty good approximation of student (and proffie) thinking to me. Now if I could only figure out how to get my own brain to stop skipping around this way (turning off the computer, and/or a bit more sleep, might help -- so off to bed I go).
DeleteB clearly shows my tutorial group arriving. The girl, sorry young woman, at the front is this week's "martyr" - she will try to answer every question I ask, whoever I direct it to, allowing the others to snooze/fiddle with their phones/gaze blankly at their empty notebooks for a whole hour.
ReplyDeleteHow can you tell? Is it the way she is perceivably separated from the group?
DeleteGroup A is about to ask to meet with me in my office. I can tell by the way they are huddled together for support. They want... something. Some of what they want will be reasonable, and I will give it to them. The rest of it will cause me to facepalm in front of the mirror before I cut myself shaving the next morning.