Wednesday, April 27, 2016

My Performance Review

We have to write a YPR, a Yearly Performance Review, and I was just finishing mine up (it's due right after grades, because why should I have any chance to breathe?  No, breath is for the weak).  I thought I'd share it.  We have to write it in three sections: teaching, research, and service.

I.  Teaching (please offer quantitive evidence of effectiveness):
I taught a 3:3 load.  My course caps were increased on all my non major  courses, but that's okay, because I managed to scare away enough students early on that it evened out.  I caught two plagiarists, made three people cry, had six pens and one book borrowed and never returned, and wrote something like "'in which' is not a fancy way of saying 'which'" at least a dozen times.  I corrected over two hundred apostrophe errors, and about as many comma splices.  I graded about ten papers while drunk, and came to work hung over twice (once, I think I was probably still drunk from the night before).  If anyone learned, they did it by accident, and certainly not by their efforts or mine. 

II.  Service:
I served on the senate, where our perfectly idiotic provost lied to me twice a month and I had to pretend to accept it.  I served on a hiring committee run by a lawyer who thought we needed not only to read but respond in writing to every single application.  I served on the general education committee, which did all we could to prevent anyone from receiving an education, general or otherwise.  I saw a piece of litter and picked it up.  Every so often, I wore really sexy underwear to work, just, you know, 'cause.  

III.  Research:
I published nothing.  Well.  Nothing that "counts."  Breaks my heart.  Even if I did, you wouldn't know shit about it.  My research is so obscure that I find I can just mutter about it in the elevator, and people think I'm doing something.  I will continue to mutter about my research myself as I walk across campus.  I'm either a genius or insane.  Tenured, so it must be genius.  I did make one useful discovery: I got this great recipe for asparagus soup.  That smell in the bathrooms?  That's me.  I did that.  I should put that under service.  I attended a conference in California, where all my efforts to hire a prostitute failed.  I will try harder next year.

Conclusion:  My contribution to this university is as follows:
  • I offend students, so that they have to quit thinking in cliches for a couple seconds.
  • I use my tenure to point out administrators' lies.
  • I research something no one else gives a shit about, because I do give a shit about it, and if I don't publish enough on it, you can bite me.  It's not ready yet, and I'm not going to fake it.
For my efforts, I have a permanent twitch, periodic migraines, a new mysterious pain in my stomach, and health insurance that covers my weekly therapy with a $20 copay.

- from an unknown sender


  1. A muttering, sexy underwear wearing drunk, huh? We need to hang out.

  2. "If anyone learned, they did it by accident, and certainly not by their efforts or mine."

    Because that's how good I am at this.

  3. So sweet, so true. Rock on brother/sister!

  4. Awesome! Can I have your asparagus soup recipe?

    1. This was my first thought, too.

      Also, that maybe I should try muttering under my breath about my research, but I suspect that doesn't work quite as well if one doesn't already have tenure, let alone if one is entirely ineligible for tenure. I do mutter under my breath about my salary and course load on occasion, but that tends to happen at home, when I'm paying bills or grading late into the night.

  5. Whoever sent this in has been reading long enough to know the heartbreak of scholarship that doesn't count.


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