I've previously groused about how little sense it makes for me to involve high-school students in research, here and here. They never want to do research: they want a line item on their resume that says they have "research experience," so they can get into a university more selective than mine. Worse, it's rarely the students who make the inquiries: for 10+ years now, it's almost always been their parents.
Kids, this has finally come to its logical conclusion. A parent e-mailed to ask whether their spawn might be able to benefit in my lab, from what is essentially free tutoring from me. I gave my now-usual reply: "I'm sorry, but there's not much in my lab that a high-school student can do," after which I give a list of research programs that are actually funded to take high-school students, as well as a list of readings. (Hope springs eternal, but as John Cleese noted, "It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place.")
The parent responded that this was OK. Might I be able just to add their spawn's name on a paper, as a co-author?
The next time I am asked this, I am going to reply, "Sure, if you make a $3M donation to our Foundation, to endow a chair for me to sit in, together with a separate $500k donation to set up an endowment to pay the rent for our observatory in perpetuity. We'll name the chair and the observatory after you, of course." Sadly, I missed my opportunity the first time: I was expecting to ask the university administrator who'd referred their old pal to me for some release time, which of course they never give me.
P.S. SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
Froderick Frankenstien from Fresno
Holy hells, this is the misery. I suppose the good news is that is someone heading to a different uni, based on the "research experience" idea.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it'd be like teaching a student with parents like these.
But without "research experience" or similar padding for the ol' resume, this student will likely wind up HERE. Remember, we're mainly noted for sports, remedial education, and our students' disgusting activities with sheep. This is where local high-school students view as "the place you go, when you can't get in anywhere else," as one of our own alumni, who is now a local high-school teacher, stridently reminded us during a recent panel discussion among local high-school teachers, which we organized. I suppose when this student matriculates, I'll need to direct him to the sheep unit.
DeleteEC1, you probably already have taught students with parents like that. Scary thought, isn't it? Perhaps equally scary is how these kids will turn out as adults. If their parents actually let them grow up, that is.
DeleteYipes. I wonder if that's the new "hockey scholarship" dream to get kiddies into schools without having to pay for tuition. When I first started teaching, an acquaintance mentioned that he heard that schools were so desperate for female hockey players (because of Title IX) that they were "giving away huge scholarships" to any female hockey player. He added, "And good schools! Some of the Ivys!"
ReplyDeleteNot a parent myself, I try to be sensitive to others' anxiety and innocence. And it seems that how to get a "huge scholarship" or "free ride" at "good schools" keeps changing--from hockey, to french horn, to now I guess coauthored research (done by high schoolers?).
But why is "getting into a good school with a free ride" now a dream of parents? Is the cost? A badge of good parenting? A financial windfall?
Did I just answer my own questions?
Parental audacity knows no bounds. I just had one insist that her precious baby get credit for our first composition class because her high school English class was "really hard." She was annoyed when I turned her down without even asking to see the precious one's brilliant papers. She asked for the Dean's contact information, to let him know how I was treating people and failing to fully perform my job. I happily gave her his number!!
ReplyDeleteOne of my fond memories is of a student saying they wanted to complain about me. It was about requesting something ridiculous that I refused to do, so I said "Yes, well, 'officially' my Dean is my employer, but don't go talk to the Dean, you need to follow the chain of command for complaints, otherwise they'll just send you back down the hierarchy. Here's the name and email of an advisor in the undergrad office; when the advisor dismisses you you'll want to talk to the undergraduate program director; when you get no satisfaction there, go talk to the department chair, then to the Associate Dean of Students, and finally the Dean. When the Dean refuses your request, go to the Vice-President of Students, and then finally the President of the University. I'm sure they'll be happy to hear from you." As I was saying this I was jotting down names and email addresses on a piece of paper, then handed it over and with a big friendly smile on my face I said "Good luck!" The student looked back at me uncertainly, and then walked away without another word. I never did hear anything about that complaint.
DeleteHo. Lee. Fook. That's all, folks!
ReplyDeleteI'm curious what actually came out of your mouth, Frod.
ReplyDeleteI myself would be too flabbergasted to say anything but "no, I don't think so" and then thirty seconds later kick myself for not asking "what the hell is wrong with you" and asking for their contact details to so I could alert fraud investigators.
FRAUD?!? To paraphrase Marlon Brando in the 1990 film "The Freshman" as Carmine Sabatini, "This is an UGLY word, this, [fraud]. This is BUSINESS---and if you want to be in business, this is what you do.”
DeleteOf course, what really came out of my mouth was something more like “BLUARRAGGHH-GORPH-hrmp.” And then, an unimaginative, “I’m sorry, but that’s not what we do here. Co-authorship requires participation in the science.” Next time, I am going to try this:
“OK, if you make a $3M donation to our Foundation, to endow a chair for me to sit in, together with a separate $500k donation to set up an endowment to pay the rent for our observatory in perpetuity. We'll name the chair and the observatory after you, of course. And since co-authorship requires participation in the science and not just administration or fundraising, just to make sure that everyone understands this, I will consider these two fees that come to $3.5M together to be compensation for two semesters’ worth of my time to devise and run a research program specially for your child, who I will sponsor of a PHYS 190 Independent Study project, as a special student registered under the Department of Global and Ongoing Education, as well as another year after this for me to prepare the resulting paper for submission for publication in a refereed journal. Considering the $200/hour fee I usually charge for consulting work, as you can see, these fees aren’t inordinate. If this looks fine to you, I will give a preliminary copy to the university ombudsman, to draw into a formal contract.” And I won’t push my luck by also asking for an electron microscope for the nanotech group.
Seriously, folks. Universities have a long history in relaxing entrance requirements for major donors. What famous actress was it who got into a top university after her mother endowed a $5M medical center? Even if I’m remembering incorrectly and there was no such case, I’m sure it wouldn’t be difficult to find a similar one elsewhere.
By the way, I haven't charged my old $150/hour consulting fee ever since I left Kennedy Space Center, sixteen years ago. I did get it from some after-hours work I did for some aerospace contractors, and entirely over-the-table, declared on my taxes, and 100% Kosher. The university I was working for encouraged it: there's more than one way to keep faculty current than publishing papers in refereed journals.
DeleteNowadays, I mainly use mention of a "consulting fee" to get rid of UFO enthusiasts who want me to put substantial time into analyzing their noise. It's funny: once I say "consulting fee," they end the conversation QUICKLY. Never has a UFO enthusiast stuck around long enough for me to specify the fee.
No wonder the little shits plagiarize. They learned ethics from idiot parents.
ReplyDeleteSome states have "community service" requirements for high school students to graduate and it is apparently a huge nightmare for people who work in places like hospitals, nursing homes, animal shelters, and assorted social service drop-in clinics. Because most of them are already handling both college interns and do-gooder volunteers, then they are stuck having to manage sulky teenagers forced to do community service to graduate, even though in many other instances, community service is considered a punishment for low-level crimes.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for volunteering and civic engagement, but when it's mandatory, it takes a bit of the zing out of it.
My niece had to do that in high school. Another box to check for the college application to some...
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