The CM Glossary 3.0

1. A tool. 2. Put-upon, underpaid.

1. One of the basic food groups for proffies. Minimum daily requirement depends on number of snowflakes in their lives.

1. played second fiddle to the duck as page mascot. 2. there are those, in isolated holdfasts, who raise a flagon, and in whispered speech curse The Usurper and toast the return of the Drago-...I mean, The Alpaca.

1. The academic white zone when students silently flake out during an attempt to engage them in classroom discussion. Accompanied by dull, vapid stares.

1. Student repeating a class.

1. Community college. Used to be called junior college. 2. Populated by envious dullards. 3. The last place where real teaching gets done.

1. Where good ideas go to die.

1. Location of CM Production Studios. See "Miami 4." 2. "Where wolves are known to run." 3. "This is the dead land. This is cactus land."

1. A tenured colleague that doesn’t do shit.

1. A former faculty member whose blood has been replaced with a black, viscous liquid. 2. Nemesis.

Die, IT, Die
Clarion call of college proffies who skipped keyboarding class. Most common in waning days of semester.

1. All purpose topic-changer. 2. This one particularly.

Fab Sun
1. The alpha.

1. Just a smidgen of the real thing; usually used to refer to a snippet of a linked article.

1. A 4/4 teaching load is common at crappy state unis, four classes each semester. 2. The death of research.

Fucktard / Fucktwit
1. A person that is some combination of stupid and asshole. NB: Use of the term is considered controversial on CM. Which makes it so incredibly unusual.

1. A snowflake in a graduate program.

Gumdrop Unicorn
1. Junior faculty, prone to job hunting during their first TT job 2. Special and wonderful, unappreciated by their slower colleagues.

Hamster-Fur Weaving
1. Code for a proffie's own discipline. Derived from an earlier locution in academe: underwater basket weaving.

Katie (aka Kalamazoo Katie)
1. Profflake and long-time nemesis of College Misery. 2. Occasionally graced CM with her presence but grew tired of us making fun of her. 3. Writer of her own sweet little blog about students who are her BFFs and other stuff that makes normal faculty vomit.

1. Dead zone. 2. Student fornication zone. 3. Zombieland.

Lip Dub
1. Music videos where a group of students (and sometimes administrators and proffies) mouth(s) the words to a popular song while wandering through their campus. 2. Sometimes a promotional tool. 3. Uplifting and beautiful. 4. Proof that the world is not worth saving.

Miami 4
1. Supposed moderators of CM, based on found - and surely heretical - "evidence." 2. see: "horsemen" and "apocalypse."

1. Person who puts up with the whining readers of College Misery. 2. The only academic job with a contract shorter and less stable than an adjunct's.

1. Don't care more about their education than they do.

Office Hours
1. [crickets]

1. The world where student essays get recycled. 2. Wikipedia.

1. Professor put upon by snowflakes.

1. A Proffie just as precious and needy as any snowflake. 2. Someone at Evergreen State or Reed College. 3. A mediocre strain of bud out of Humboldt County.

Real Goddamned Mail.
1. Inane missives profflakes send to moderators.

1. The top of the food chain in the academic world. Refers to research intensive university.

1. Rate My Professors web site . 2. Where snowflakes whine about how difficult their professors are.

1. Read the fucking syllabus.

1. Rate Your Students blog. Predecessor to CM. 2. The good old days.

Self of steam
1. The gaseous state of the solid snowflake. 2. Naive, unwarranted belief in one's power and magic.

1. Small, selective, or snooty, liberal arts college.

1. An older colleague that has been tenured for years. 2. Unlikely to be much of a contributor to the department’s research or teaching and thus may often be considered deadwood. 3. Predominantly male.

1. A snowflake who earns a D or an F. 2. Snowflakes in morning classes.

1. Overly entitled student. Over-inflated sense of self-esteem and self-worth comes from being told that they are precious and unique, just like each snowflake.

1. Masochist. 2. Bed bait.

Tea Party
An exclamation of frustration to replace "f*ck". Used by liberal professors (sorry, redundant) at College Misery who don't like to have a potty-mouth.

1. Grail. 2. Grave.

TT or t-t
1. Tenure track teaching position. 2. Walking on glass.

1. Question posed by a CM writer for CM readers to answer. The "Big Thirsty" is only asked on a Thursday, in honor of its original place on RYS.

1. Video clip. 2. Time suck.

Visiting Professor
1. Strange meat.

1. The Christ.


We are always looking for new glossary terms, updated definitions, etc. Please email us.