Soliciting Tongue-in-Cheek Job Descriptions

Today I noticed that a academic acquaintance describes hir employment on hir social network homepage as "adolescent therapist, grade dispenser and stand up actor at X University". I LOVE it. If I were doing the same, I'm not sure how I'd describe what I do, exactly. Fellow Miserians, how would YOU describe what you do?

Apparently some of the snowflakes *do* listen.

This gem is from Furrow, the undergraduate lit mag at the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee.