An Epistle for a Less-than-Supportive Support Staff Member

A letter I wish I had sent in grad school...

Dear Departmental Office Manager:

I will admit that everyone (faculty, grad students, and undergrads) truly does miss the woman you replaced, but she left 3 years ago. We truly did look forward to the time when you would feel comfortable and competent in your new position. But, as I said, it's been *3 years* and you still aren't competent.

Former OM had been in her position for decades, so we all knew there'd be some growing pains as you adapted to the job. And, boy, did we experience them. But there are still a few things you do that are, to be blunt, problematic. To wit:

1 - Nearly every memo you prepare is littered with typos. At this point, these are NOT just typos. Simply put, you don't seem to know how to write in proper grammatical English. This is embarrassing. We are an academic department at a research university. Our correspondence shouldn't look like it was written by an 8th grader earning a C in English class. How did you even get this job if your ability is so poor at this rather basic secretarial task?

2 - You are in charge of a fairly large academic department at the university. Why is the office closed FOR HOURS every day during regular business hours? Ok, lunch time might make sense, since you do get an hour to eat; everyone deserves to eat! But other departments hire people to staff the front desk at those times, so why don't you? The only time I see a Work Study student at the desk is in the late afternoon when you are also at your desk, usually sitting there, doing nothing except chit-chatting with the WS kid. Ok, I know you mentioned you are taking grad classes in the Education department, but if you have a class at that time, don't you think that's EVEN MORE of a reason to staff the office? What are we supposed to do from 11-2 everyday? Just wait for you to show up? Which leads to...

3 - I am a lowly grad student. I get that. But when a prof asks me to pick up the copy card from you, and she tells me she's called and verified that you'll be there, it's a bit of an issue when YOU'RE NOT THERE. For hours. Is she lying about calling you? I mean, when I tell you she told me she called you to tell you I was coming on that day at that time, and you admit she did actually call, then why weren't you (or someone...ANYONE!) there? I even came early. A HALF-HOUR early. And then waited. Right outside the office. I mean, I went to the restroom once or twice, but I suspect you didn't just slip in and out like a ninja during those five minutes I was down the hall. It's a bit of an issue when I show up 3 hours before an exam, intending to print 50-100 exam copies, and I can't because YOU'RE NOT THERE to give me a copy card. Do you realize there is sometimes a half-hour to one-hour wait for the (constantly breaking) photocopiers? And that if I get a copycard early enough, I could, you know, take them to one of the better copy sites on campus just to make sure I have enough by exam time? Did you? I'd tell you if you were ever in your office. So, I had to suggest a different solution to the prof, which leads to...

4 - In order to work around your constant absence from the office, I suggested the prof give me (and my fellow TAs) our own copycard. She arranged for you to give me one. I was in charge of it. But, I am not in charge of every proctored exam and the prof had different exams for different proctors. So, I handed off the card to a colleague who forgot to IMMEDIATELY return it. She forgot; it happens. She used the card to make copies for her exam cohort. She didn't steal it, she didn't use it to photocopy her ass, and she didn't loan it to a friend so he could make photocopies of his own ass either. It was a 48-hour delay before I got it back. You do not have the authority to chastise me like a delinquent child for giving it to my fellow TA so she could do her job! If the prof wants to reprimand me, so be it; she can make her own effing copies then. But you don't have the authority! You don't.

Let me be clear, Managerette - you are support staff for the department, which includes not just faculty but also the faculty-subordinates. I did not misuse any office supplies. I didn't make unauthorized copies. We copied a FREAKING EXAM, as we were instructed to do by our boss. I neither deserved nor appreciated your little scolding of me and "taking away" of the copycard because I broke your little made-up rule. If you had actually DONE YOUR JOB by making the main departmental card available WHEN A FACULTY MEMBER requested you to, I wouldn't have had to try to dance around your incompetence.

Amazingly, the prof still thought I had the card for the final exam and was befuddled by the fact that you took it away. See, she's a working class girl at heart and she has had nothing but love for your predecessors, who have, ironically, done many a favor for her in the past, for which she is openly grateful. But, see, I am from the working class too, and my sister is also an office manager; I know the shit she goes through. But, know this, she has also told me many stories about incompetent colleagues who could be your twins. You probably bluffed your way into this job and the current admin is too cowardly to fire you (oh, being the faux-egalitarians they are, they'll ream out a grad student at the drop of a hat but never, EVER reprimand the support staff). My prof was truly surprised (and almost picked a fight with me) when I refused to show up 3 hours early to pick up a copycard from a locked office, so I AGAIN troubleshooted a solution that didn't involve dealing with you. No surprise -- everything worked out fine.

Most academics know the value and importance of the support staff. A good office manager is worth his or her weight in gold. You, my dear, aren't worth the cost of your hair on the wig black-market. You will never know how grateful I was when I never again had to rely on your lack of competence to sabotage my attempt at teaching.

No love,

The TA who hates you